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Satire: The Cow In Political Science
Editor’s Note: Cows have the power to educate us about political systems, as well as economic systems. See also… Satire: Bovine Capitalism Around The World
Understanding economics, government, and other things in life via observations of the ownership of two cows:
FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord
takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM:
You have two
cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the
cows. The government gives you as much milk as you
need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The
government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone
else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You
have to take care of the chickens the government took from
the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk
and as many eggs as the regulations say you should
need.
FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government
takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you
the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your
neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the
milk.
NEW DEALISM:
You have two cows. The federal
government takes them from, you, shoots them and pours all
the milk down the drain.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:
You have
two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.
NAZISM:
You have two cows. The
government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN
DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government fines you
for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an
apartment.
MILITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The
government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets your
milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to
give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election,
the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures.
The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they
go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it
pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots
one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing
cows.
ANARCHY:
You have two cows, and they live in
your house.
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell
one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have
two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in
- law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights
of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to
a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk
back to the listed company. The annual report says that the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is
bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM:
You own two cows. The
government bans you from milking, selling or killing
them.
TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The
government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is
banned.
COUNTER CULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...
these two cows, man. You got to have some of this
milk.
SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The
government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM:
You have two cows. One has
actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some
really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office,
and while most people agree that the cow is the best
candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because
they think it would be "a wasted vote."
END
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