The New Write (Featuring Hot Goss From Parlt.)
Official Newsletter of the New Zealand Young Nationals
6th December 2002
“Fighting a religious war is like fighting over
who has the best imaginary
friend.”
-Anonymous
1. GOODBYE FROM THE
EDITOR
2. A WORD FROM THE PREZ
3. LABOUR SHAFTS
DEMOCRACY
4. HOT GOSS FROM
PARLIAMENT
5. AUSTRALIAN XMAS ACCIDENTS
6. WEBSITE
OF THE WEEK
1. GOODBYE FROM THE
EDITOR
This is the last New Write for the year, and my last as editor. From next year Grant Tyrrell will take over, but don’t worry – Sneaky R Wilson will continue his column.
Hot Goss has become surprisingly successful this year. What started off as a private joke is now widely read by MPs, journalists, even the CIA. However Sneaky has been skating on thin ice in recent weeks so I think it is an appropriate time for someone else to deal with his grubby gossip and the trouble it creates.
Thanks to everyone who has told me how much they enjoy reading the New Write, it has been a pleasure.
Over and out
Phil Rennie
2. A FEW WORDS FROM THE PREZ – GRANT
TYRRELL
Firstly thanks to the intrepid editor of this fine publication. Sadly this is his last newsletter – he just has to survive one more without a defamation suit and it has been a good year! It will be an interesting challenge vetting Sneaky’s column next year but one I am looking forward to.
The Thin Blue Line…
It’s been a tough time for the police. Not only do they have the ignominy of George Hawkins for a minister but their ranks are desperately thin – particularly in Auckland. However this week there was some good news – Constable Abbot’s ordeal is over. Cleared of wrongdoing over the shooting of Stephen Wallace it is my hope that he and is family are able to get back to some normality. It is a disgrace that he had to go through the ordeal of a private prosecution. It is clear that further protection is required for police, society requires that they put themselves in danger to protect us – surely police deserve the same respect?
Speaking of respect anyone prepared to offer odds on Helen Clark apologising? Those with sharp memories will remember that she waded in with all guns blazing after the shooting – describing it is a racist incident.
The Keith Locke award for blaming everyone else …
This week the award named after everyone’s favourite communist goes to Race Relations Conciliator Joris de Bres for describing my predecessors as being the same as the Taliban. Nice one mate – you’re meant to conciliate, not piss people off.
RESIGN – don’t pretend that you were aiding debate or hide behind the PC-shield, pack your bags and leave.
Merry Christmas
I wish you and yours all the best for the festive season, we will be back next year.
- Grant Tyrrell, Young Nationals Chair
3. LABOUR SHAFTS
DEMOCRACY
The Government has denied Kiwis the chance to determine their own electoral destiny by opposing the Electoral Options Referenda Bill this week, says National MP Simon Power.
"Voters expected to have another say on the electoral system but this Government is determined their voice won’t be heard. The Greens have sided with their Labour chums and voting against the idea, but of course it’s in their best interests to do so.
"That’s particularly ironic when they’re actively campaigning to change the way Local Government is elected," says Mr Power.
The Electoral Options Referenda Bill provides for the holding of two referenda on the electoral system. The first part is whether electors wish to retain the current system of Mixed Member Proportional (MMP) or want to change the electoral system. The second part asks all electors which alternative they prefer.
"New Zealanders deserve the opportunity to say whether they like what’s happening with our electoral system, it should be voters who decide the way forward, not politicians," Mr Power says.
-By New Zealand’s finest
investigative journalist, Sneaky R Wilson. A bumper
edition this week, with a few end-of-year digs at some of my
favourite targets – Winston, David Cunliffe, Craig McNair,
and United Future. *Well well, the biggest stories of the
week undoubtedly come from ACT’s sensational Christmas party
on Wednesday night. Billed as a “liberal party”, it
certainly was, in all senses of the word. It was a flashback
to the glory days of boozy, debauched orgies that
politicians used to be famous for. I cannot repeat most of
the goss, but just ask anyone who was there and they’ll fill
you in. So how did Sneaky R Wilson rate the party
overall? Negatives: Positives: Can’t
resist one question though. What do two MPs, a millionaire
and a journalist have in common? Those who were there
know! *Richard Prebble proved himself a true man of the
people this week. He spent three hours on Tuesday getting
his hands dirty stuffing envelopes alongside party workers
and volunteers. Then he and his wife danced for hours at the
ACT party, getting jiggy into the wee hours of the
morning. *A confidential newsletter meant for Labour Party
members has fallen into my hands, and guess what? They have
ripped off Hot Goss!!! But here is the bad news – it is
absolute crap, containing just three boring bits of
‘news’. The first item is about Judith Tizard’s knitting
in Parliament – apparently Labour Party members are actually
proud of this! The second is a few quotes from Winston’s
maiden speech (thanks to United), and the third is some
nasty comments about Bill English and a boast that the
author “gatecrashed the National Party party”, as noted in
Hot Goss last week. Apart from that, it also blatantly
rips off the format and ideas of this fine publication. Even
Young Labour acknowledged us when they copied the “website
of the week” concept. Nice try, losers. If you want to
read the whole newsletter I have posted it on my website: www.nocrap.org.nz *Newstalk ZB staff in Auckland are fuming after they
missed their own big story on leaky homes last week. Helen
Clark made her now-infamous comments about it all being a
“media-beatup”, yet somehow it slipped the attention of
their news team. It wasn’t till the next day when the Herald
published the whole transcript that they realised they
missed a big story. *The press gallery couldn’t believe
their eyes when they noticed Don Brash trying to conceal a
girlie mag amongst his papers in Parliament recently.
Featuring a saucy picture on the cover and screaming
headlines of “SEX” and “DRUGS”, the journos were stunned.
But the truth soon emerged – in fact, it was libertarian
magazine “The Free Radical” with intellectual articles on
prostitution and drug reform. *Speaking of which…Helen
Clark’s media goons are on the hunt for the anonymous
prankster who has produced a fake magazine cover with the PM
in a rather compromising position. The mag in question has
been spotted in the press gallery and Clark’s staff have
been interrogating journos to find out who is behind
it. Here is a bit of advice from Sneaky R Wilson to the
PM’s staff – perhaps you could team up with Craig McNair and
combine your investigative skills! *National revealed this
week that the Building Industry Authority has spent $65,000
this year on media advice and spin doctors to cover up the
rotting homes crisis. But if you look closer, you’ll see
that one company who received $20,000 is Sugar Media Ltd,
run by a Mr John Pagani, formerly Jim Anderton’s chief spin
doctor. What’s more, next year the BIA will come under
the control of Jimbo as the Ministry of Economic Development
takes over responsibility. *Remember how I predicted a few
months ago that Helen Clark is eyeing the job of UN
Secretary-General? Well, she is off to the UN again next
week to lobby and network with UN big-wigs, including Sue
Kedgley’s old boyfriend, Kofi Annan. *And in another case
of jobs for the girls…remember Joan Caulfield, Helen Clark’s
secretary (and Jim Anderton’s ex-wife) who burned Clark’s
fake painting earlier this year, before the police could get
it? Well her two sisters have just picked up cosy Government
jobs, being appointed to chair the Waitemata and Bay of
Plenty district health boards. *Scandalous - a certain
Parliamentary staff member and a certain MP’s daughter were
kicked out of a nightclub last week for getting a little too
physical on the dancefloor… *As mentioned a few weeks ago,
I’m a fan of David Cunliffe’s new beard, but opinion is
divided on his latest fashion trend – wearing his pants so
high up they almost reach his armpits. *ACT Party
President Catherine Judd has an affectionate nickname
amongst ACT staff - Lady Penelope, as in the Thunderbirds TV
show. *So who are the dodgy guys behind the taniwha
complaint holding up the Waikato motorway? A hapu called
Ngati Naho with an interesting past. Earlier this year the
Ngati Naho Incorporated Society went into liquidation. Some
of the members then created a new body, with the same name,
which now represents the individuals concerned rather than
the five marae. Despite all these concerns, it hasn’t
stopped the gravy train from the Government. In May this
year they received a very tidy $188,756 for consultation
over the new prison near Meremere. This included such
valuable and expensive services as cultural design, resource
management and communication services. *Sneaky R Wilson
was contacted by United Future MP Murray Smith on Wednesday,
who wanted to clarify last week’s story about him acting as
a lawyer for builders of leaky homes. According to Murray
his client ignored several warnings on the use of silicon
cladding, despite his advice and reports from building
consultants. He warned them to follow the advice – they
ignored him – and he lost the client as a result. Hot Goss
is flattered that MPs pay such close attention, and is
always happy to print their side of the story. *A
Wellington taxi company had trouble with a difficult MP
recently, who refused to get into the cab sent for him
because it was driven by a Somali immigrant. He insisted the
company send another cab instead. So who was this MP? Work
it out for yourself, it’s not that hard… *Helen Clark gave
an interesting speech in Auckland this week, on the horse
racing and breeding industries. Hmmm…Helen Clark probably
knows as much about breeding as I know about horse racing.
Which is not a lot. *A New Zealand First MP was asked by a
journalist this week if his party supported the
controversial Local Government Bill. “I don’t know,” he
replied with admirable honesty. “Winston hasn’t told us
yet.” *Interesting divisions in United Future over this
Bill though – Tauranga councillor Larry Baldock wants to
support it, while Peter Dunne is firmly against it.
Negotiations are continuing. *Rubbing shoulders with the
rich and famous… Bill English ended up sharing the Koru
lounge and a flight to Auckland with pop star Pink on
Saturday. He wasn’t particularly impressed though – he
admitted he hadn’t heard of her, but promised to tell his 10
year old daughter. *You’ve heard of leaky houses, but last
week’s select committee saw a case of “leaky blouses”. A
female staff member was unaware a button had popped off her
top until the end of the day. Since then, I understand there
has been a cover-up. *Cabinet Minister Ruth Dyson was
walking through Parliament, on her way to address a protest
march a few weeks ago when she stopped to ask a staff member
who the protesters were. “They’re a group of deaf people,
Minister,” was the reply. “Oh well, at least it won’t be a
noisy protest!” laughed the Minister of Disabilities. *I
have discovered a secret room on every floor in Parliament,
reserved for emergencies, which contains hidden goodies such
as blankets, candles, gas cookers and food. I understand two
Parliamentary staff members have made the most of it with a
romantic night “camping” in their office. *Surprising news
from TVNZ – respected current affairs programme Assignment
is being scrapped and will not return next year. This is
quite bizarre, given the Government’s Charter insists on
serious and thought-provoking programmes. Or could it have
something to do with the fact Assignment has constantly
exposed and embarrassed Labour this year (GE, scampi, NCEA,
leaky homes)??? *Here’s a prediction for April next year –
Wellington newspaper Dominion Post will change its name to
“The Morning Post”. *In other media news, I understand
that Holmes reporter Duncan Garner is off to TV3, and that
TVNZ are not happy. *Things are tough when you are in a
minor party like Jim Anderton’s Progressive Coalition – just
ask Matt Robson. The poor guy was busted recently getting
changed in a lift. Surely Jim should let him have an
office of his own? *I can reveal some top-secret
developments to you about Hot Goss – next year Sneaky R
Wilson has a radio slot on a Wellington station! I will let
you know closer to the time when to listen out. *The Green
Party recently advertised for a couple of media jobs, which
attracted a huge response from hippies and idealistic young
journalistic graduates. One disappointed candidate found a
novel way of taking out his frustration at missing out on a
job, by drunkenly urinating on the Green Party office in
Wellington. *One person who did make it though was Charlie
Chambers, NZUSA co-president this year who now has a job
working for Green MP Sue Kedgely. Gosh how unusual, who has
ever heard of a former student politician working for a left
wing party in Parliament! Finally, a big question to
ponder over summer. Which is the only party in Parliament
who’s Deputy Leader didn’t stand at the last
election? Why? Till next year…my lips are
sealed! -Sneaky R Wilson *31 Australians have died since 1996 by
watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were
plugged in. *19 Australians have died in the last 3
years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were
chocolate. *Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last
year after cracker pulling incidents. *101 Australians
since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet. *18 Australians had
serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper *A massive 543 Australians were
admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening
bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. *5
Australians were injured last year in accidents involving
out of control scalextric cars. *3 Australians die each
year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue. *142
Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the
pins from new shirts. *58 Australians are injured each
year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. and
finally: *8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after
falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the
toilet.* Since you are
reading this, the chances are you like hot goss. Check out
this great UK website with hot celebrity goss, before it is
shut down. Contributions, feedback, articles and subscriptions
welcome. Email Editor: Phil
Rennie
4. HOT
GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT
–No air conditioning or windows,
so it was like a sauna. This meant people took their clothes
off, got dehydrated and thus drunk quicker. Actually, maybe
that’s a positive.
-The beer was warm and ran out early.
-The entire Parliamentary complex was
invited, even Labour ministers and Green staffers turned up.
-ACT MP Stephen Frank’s dancing -
sensational.
-Debauchery. Unlike Labour spin-doctors, I
don’t abuse the host’s hospitality by reporting privileged
info. Well, not very often. But there was plenty of scoring
and inappropriate behaviour.
-There were heaps of spirits
to drink.
-Seafood – mussels and scallops, yummy.
5. AUSTRALIAN XMAS
ACCIDENTS
with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
Any
views expressed here are not necessarily those of New
Zealand Young
Nationals, or the New Zealand National
Party.
newwrite@national.org.nz