Sludge Report #46 – Presidential Pentathlon
In this edition: Florida Legislature Fails To Agree On Presidential Pentathlon
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Sludge Report #46
The Florida legislature is ready to take action in the stalled presidential race. However, they are not as partisan as they are portrayed. Rumour has it they prepared this statement, but in the end couldn't agree on the events. Some thought they were "not exciting enough for live TV".
"Each state shall appoint, in such a manner as the legislature thereof directs, a slate of electors..."
We are sorry to have to intervene in this manner, but we feel it is of utmost importance than our State also selects a slate of Electors. Since we have no idea who actually won this thing, although we believe it is Governor George W. Bush (a quick poll in the house had him the winner). The law clearly states that we get to decide how electors are picked and we will proceed in the following manner:
Twenty electors will be appointed for Gov. Bush, because he was the certified winner. The other five will be appointed by a pentathlon among the five presidential candidates that got the most votes on election day. We thought it would be fun if Nader got some electoral votes, since he won't be able to decide anything anyway. That'll annoy him.
These are the events. They are chosen to reflect important political skills. Or just because we want to see these people do these things.
Event #1 The stuffing of 500 envelopes with excruciatingly boring campaign material. The candidate who stuffs in the shortest time wins.
Event #2 The counting of 200 ballots impregnated by us. The candidate with the count closest to our actual intent wins.
Event #3 Humble-pie-eating contest. The one who first finishes this disgusting piece of food wins.
Event #4 Three-legged race with the Vice-presidential candidate.
Event #5 A game of Monopoly.
Everything will be televised for the enjoyment of the electorate. Live spectators will be served refreshments at the expense of the candidates.
If no candidate shows up, the five electors will be chosen for the candidate that received the least number of votes on Election Day. That is somebody named McCarthy, 12 votes. We think he is some kind of socialist, so please, show up.
The Presidential games will begin Dec 10, 9 AM EST, and must be finished by Dec 12, 9 AM EST. Any events not completed by that time, will be decided by a five-sided dice.
- the Florida Legislature
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