Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

Humour: NZ To Be Disbanded

NZ To Be Disbanded: PM Claims "Nobody's Using It Anyway"

AUCKLAND, Tuesday: Following the successful disbanding of the armed forces the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark, has unveiled a new bold plan to total disband the entire nation. In a statement to the worlds press Prime Minister Clarke unveiled her "Great step nowhere" plan. Launching the plan Clark suggested that reports that their armed forces had been forced to say "bang, bang" during war exercises had been the final nail in the coffin for the once-almost-proud nation.

"For years now we've been doing nothing of value. All our really profitable industries have gone overseas. Music, kiwi fruit, Russell Crowe. After that it's basically just a bunch of sheep and a once proud rugby team. Even the Cricketers are poor by world standards," Clark said.

Clark went on to outline the timetable for disbanding the nation following the sale of the Navy's two dinghies and after the Army gives its shotgun back to the British.

In a sometimes emotional presentation Ms Clark outlined the difficulties facing the former country. "Every nation has it's problems but, as the leader, you can always look at some other loser nation and say "They're worse off than us". We finally realised that we could no longer do that."

The final nail in the coffin came last Monday when the New Zealand treasury tabled a report that found that Adam Gilchrist's new contract with the Australian Cricket Board had him earning more than the entire New Zealand GDP.

"When that hit us we realised that the ship of state was pretty much Gunwale deep in sediment and it was time to turn off the bilge pumps and move to a real country," a treasury spokesman said.

All industry and businesses are expected to have left the Islands by the end of June and all Government responsibilities will cease at the first of July. Any farmers wishing to remain will do so on a purely subsistence basis with the possibility of a feudal system developing by the end of September. The All Blacks will maintain a training facility near Otago until the end of August after which time New Zealand in all it's forms and pursuits will cease to exist.

When asked how the loss of the entire nation of New Zealand will affect the region a World Bank spokesman called for an atlas.


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

There Is A Field: Reimagining Biodiversity In Aotearoa

We are in a moment of existential peril, with interconnected climate and biodiversity crises converging on a global scale to drive most life on Earth to the brink of extinction… These massive challenges can, however, be reframed as a once in a lifetime opportunity to fundamentally change how humanity relates to nature and to each other. Read on The Dig>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The Barriers Facing Female Politicians

On the current evidence though, voters are less likely to regard a female politician as ‘likeable’ than a male one, and – even worse – this perception tends to become a barrier that only female candidates in the main, have to face. More>>

The Detail: Britain's Trump Is Now Its Prime Minister

Guardian journalist James Murray says Boris Johnson wears the hat that works, depending on what he’s trying to achieve. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On Trump’s Open White Nationalism

By telling those four elected, American born and/or raised women of colour to “go home”, US President Donald Trump’s racist agenda has come out of the shadows. More>>

ALSO:

Mediaversaries: 20 Years Of The Scoop Information Ecosystem

Scoop celebrates its 20th anniversary this month. To celebrate, we are offering 20% off all ScoopPro subscriptions, including the newly launched ScoopPro Citizen service for Citizen readers. More>>

ALSO: