Scoop Satire: Job Bones Sues For Recognition
EDITORS NOTE: Scoop this week commenced publication of a satirical articles from the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express newspaper.
Job Bones Sues Woman For Failing To Recognise
New Zeal Incorporated property developer and author Job Bones today filed a lawsuit against an Auckland parking warden for failing to recognise him after he parked on top of an environmentalist in Queen Street.
"Bloody woman" remarked Bones, "Female woman she was and all. Samo to boot. I'd have clocked her one except she'd probably have got pregnant. They're like that, women. And Samos."
In a statement provided to police and the media, Bones claimed that the warden, Ms Lee Faasao, 31, had shown absolutely no idea of who he was, what his car was worth, or his raffish sense of mischief.
"All she was worried about was that bloody beardy-weirdy greeny trapped under the back tyre" he said. The man, Mr Gerald Tree, 43, of Mt Eden, is currently in a critical condition. It is not yet known how he feels about being parked on by Bones.
"Pretty bloody chuffed I should imagine" said Bones. "It's probably the closest he's come to success in his entire. You've got to laugh though, so I'm sending off e-mails to various colleagues in commerce all over the world. I've got $500 bets on whether he lives or not, and another $250 on whether they have to shave his beard off for the operation."
"But I'm still bloody annoyed about that female woman. It's half the problem with this country. Seriously, what's the point of being richer than Croesus if you can't park on top of a greeny in Queen Street when you want to and then tell the parking bloody warden to bugger off of they haven't buggered off already?"
Bones is no stranger to controversy. Considered by some New Zeal Inc's only remaining Renaissance Man, a bon vivant of culture, wit, and learning, and by others as a gangling, arrogant arsehole, full of barely containable contempt for the bulk of society, and by others still as a merely mediocre novelist, Bones is confident of winning his pending lawsuit.
"Well it's a pretty bloody straightforward case. She started badgering me, like women do, and I at first restrained myself, thinking that she'd soon enough recognise me. When it seemed that she didn't I turned side-on, thinking that the profile might jog her memory. But it was astounding. She literally had no bloody idea of who I was!"
No one is particularly interested in what Ms Faasao has to say on the matter.
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at email@example.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.