Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

Scoop Satire: Job Bones Sues For Recognition

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop this week commenced publication of a satirical articles from the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express newspaper.

Job Bones Sues Woman For Failing To Recognise


New Zeal Incorporated property developer and author Job Bones today filed a lawsuit against an Auckland parking warden for failing to recognise him after he parked on top of an environmentalist in Queen Street.

"Bloody woman" remarked Bones, "Female woman she was and all. Samo to boot. I'd have clocked her one except she'd probably have got pregnant. They're like that, women. And Samos."

In a statement provided to police and the media, Bones claimed that the warden, Ms Lee Faasao, 31, had shown absolutely no idea of who he was, what his car was worth, or his raffish sense of mischief.

"All she was worried about was that bloody beardy-weirdy greeny trapped under the back tyre" he said. The man, Mr Gerald Tree, 43, of Mt Eden, is currently in a critical condition. It is not yet known how he feels about being parked on by Bones.

"Pretty bloody chuffed I should imagine" said Bones. "It's probably the closest he's come to success in his entire. You've got to laugh though, so I'm sending off e-mails to various colleagues in commerce all over the world. I've got $500 bets on whether he lives or not, and another $250 on whether they have to shave his beard off for the operation."

"But I'm still bloody annoyed about that female woman. It's half the problem with this country. Seriously, what's the point of being richer than Croesus if you can't park on top of a greeny in Queen Street when you want to and then tell the parking bloody warden to bugger off of they haven't buggered off already?"

Bones is no stranger to controversy. Considered by some New Zeal Inc's only remaining Renaissance Man, a bon vivant of culture, wit, and learning, and by others as a gangling, arrogant arsehole, full of barely containable contempt for the bulk of society, and by others still as a merely mediocre novelist, Bones is confident of winning his pending lawsuit.

"Well it's a pretty bloody straightforward case. She started badgering me, like women do, and I at first restrained myself, thinking that she'd soon enough recognise me. When it seemed that she didn't I turned side-on, thinking that the profile might jog her memory. But it was astounding. She literally had no bloody idea of who I was!"

No one is particularly interested in what Ms Faasao has to say on the matter.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Commercial Scoop User? Help Scoop Survive (and Thrive!)

The ScoopPro licensing terms require that commercial users of Scoop.co.nz pay a reasonable fee in order to access the Scoop site so that this same information remains free and accessible to the wider public regardless of their disposable income. More>>

Joseph Cederwall: Building a Community Newsroom

A combination of new technology, ideas, institutions and business models and a renewed energy and commitment by the Scoop team, means Scoop aims to be at the forefront of the development of this renaissance that we term ‘News 3.0’. More>>

ALSO:

Scoop 3.0: Saving The News

Scoop Co-Founder Alastair Thompson - One of the saddest aspects of the decline of the news industry, not just here in NZ - but everywhere, is that it often seems invisible, in large part because news is a confidence business... More>>

ALSO:

UK Cabinet Backs Deal: Gordon Campbell On The Latest Roll Of The Brexit Dice

Brexit has left the British public looking like a nation of Wellington bus commuters. In both cases, the unholy mess bears no resemblance to what people were promised or the spin being used to justify it. More>>

Gordon Campbell: On The Democratic Leadership And Trump

On the big picture, the poll predictions were dead right. In the end, the Democratic Party won a clear victory in the House, and lost as expected in the Senate, where it had been defending at least 10 seats in regions that had voted heavily for Trump in 2016. More>>

ALSO:

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  • PublicAddress
  • Pundit
  • Kiwiblog