Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Scoop Satire: Awatere Walls Drip Blood

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Awatere Walls Drip Blood

The interisland ferry Awatere experienced yet another unexplainable happening yesterday when thick, rancid blood began dripping from the walls in the forward passenger lounge during an afternoon sailing.

"It began as just a trickle at the wallboard joints" said passenger Harigan Bossonova, 24. "Then it got heavier and started to come up out of the floor join as well. Next thing, there's blood literally pumping out of the walls."

"It was horrific" reported Mary Throat, 71. "And the stench, my God - It was rancid!"

The latest incident is comes after a series of similarly bizzare occurrences aboard the Awatere. After a series of random total power shutdowns and a falling lifeboat, the Awatere has had both of it's propellers drop off (twice), been struck by lightening repeatedly, floated into harbour embedded inside a gigantic block of ice, and, most controversially, disappeared off radar screens for three weeks after allegedly being comandeered by Satan, the demon king, before being found beached along the Yauca river in Peru with no sign of the passengers or crew.

Interisland officials were quick to play down the latest incident, despite increasing pressure from maritime authorities to remove the ferry from service so that a total overhaul and exorcism can be carried out.

"It's true we've had teething problems" said company spokeshuman Roger Knuckle, "However, we feel it would be irresponsible, at this busy stage of the year, to inconvenience so many people who have booked in advance by the withdrawl of what is a highly modern seagoing vessel with state of the art safety features. For instance, when the entire bridgecrew were found found spiked to the floor with ancient whaling harpoons through their heads, the ship's auto-navigational facilities came into immediate effect allowing the vessel to dock safely. It was, admittedly, a port in Madagascar, and some of the passengers had begun eating the others, but those that hadn't been eaten were quite safe."


- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>

ALSO:

Buildup:

Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>

ALSO:

Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>

ALSO:


Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news