Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

Scoop Satire: Awatere Walls Drip Blood

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Awatere Walls Drip Blood

The interisland ferry Awatere experienced yet another unexplainable happening yesterday when thick, rancid blood began dripping from the walls in the forward passenger lounge during an afternoon sailing.

"It began as just a trickle at the wallboard joints" said passenger Harigan Bossonova, 24. "Then it got heavier and started to come up out of the floor join as well. Next thing, there's blood literally pumping out of the walls."

"It was horrific" reported Mary Throat, 71. "And the stench, my God - It was rancid!"

The latest incident is comes after a series of similarly bizzare occurrences aboard the Awatere. After a series of random total power shutdowns and a falling lifeboat, the Awatere has had both of it's propellers drop off (twice), been struck by lightening repeatedly, floated into harbour embedded inside a gigantic block of ice, and, most controversially, disappeared off radar screens for three weeks after allegedly being comandeered by Satan, the demon king, before being found beached along the Yauca river in Peru with no sign of the passengers or crew.

Interisland officials were quick to play down the latest incident, despite increasing pressure from maritime authorities to remove the ferry from service so that a total overhaul and exorcism can be carried out.



"It's true we've had teething problems" said company spokeshuman Roger Knuckle, "However, we feel it would be irresponsible, at this busy stage of the year, to inconvenience so many people who have booked in advance by the withdrawl of what is a highly modern seagoing vessel with state of the art safety features. For instance, when the entire bridgecrew were found found spiked to the floor with ancient whaling harpoons through their heads, the ship's auto-navigational facilities came into immediate effect allowing the vessel to dock safely. It was, admittedly, a port in Madagascar, and some of the passengers had begun eating the others, but those that hadn't been eaten were quite safe."


- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Gordon Campbell: On The Anti-Corbyn Split In British Labour

The resignation of seven UK Labour MPs in protest against the leadership of Jeremy Corbyn is another example of the centre-left’s readiness to sabotage its own cause... More>>

Scoop 3.0 Update & Membership Sale: The End Of ‘Objectivity’ In Journalism

2019 looks like it might well be another really bad, terrible, not so good year for the traditional journalism model globally... on the positive side, smaller independent players with innovative digital models and a more open approach like our ScoopPro service look likely to be more relevant than ever. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On America’s ‘Green New Deal’

‘Socialism’ is more of a political scare word than an objective condition. Even in the US, as Nate Silver’s 538 website pointed out this week there is polling evidence that modern Americans are inclined to treat socialism as meaning ‘equality’ rather than the ‘government ownership or control’ that Americans understood the term to mean back in the 1940s... More>>

Gordon Campbell: On Listening To Ocasio-Cortez About Tax

In its attitudes to tax, New Zealand has been the last colonial outpost of Thatcherism. Change, however, may be in the air. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The Nelson Fire And Climate Change

The Nelson fire has been a useful warning of things to come, given how climate change will (a) increase the likelihood of reduced rainfall and drought-like conditions in many parts of New Zealand, which – obviously – will raise (b) the fire danger and (c) the cost of providing the communities at risk with the enhanced firefighting capabilities that they’re going to need. More>>

ALSO: