Scoop Satire: Caring Missile Aims To Soften Blow
EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.
New 'Caring Missile' Aims To Soften The Blow
Washington - The US government today revealed it's controversial new 'caring' missile, In a statement to the world's press President Bash, flanked by Rentagun officials and business representatives, said that the new missile - codenamed the SYMP-1 - heralded the arrival of a 'long overdue ethic of compassion and brotherhood into the regretful business of warfare.'
'This marvellous example of American technology is not only an invaluable asset to our strategic forces in their ever-vigilant preservation of our nation's freedom, it is also an embodiment of the values and will of the American people themselves, wherever honest men and women toil, beneath whatever tyranny or opression they bravely struggle, let it be said that this missile is more that just an instrument of freedom, it is also a representative of our great nations desire for peace and equality for all humanity.'
The SYMP-1 is considered to be a breakthrough in military capabilities for two reasons; the first is it's size and effectiveness. Able to be used by either sea or air delivery systems, the SYMP-1 is an anti-personnel cluster missile that breaks into 30 smaller units as it approaches it's target. The effect on an area with a 2 mile radius is like the effect of a 'cheese-grater on an onion' according to one military source. 'It essentially slices and dices every living thing with it's focal area. We're talking serious carnage here.' Rentagun officials say it will be 'invaluable' in conflicts in heavily bushed terrain where it will be able to decimate natural cover without any toxic after-effects which are a potential threat to follow-up US troops.
The second, and more controversial, quality of the SYMP-1 is its much published 'caring' capability. Recent breakthroughs in Artificial Intelligence research have led to the inclusion of a digital 'personality' in the missile. While detailed information is top secret, officials have given assurances that the SYMP-1 is literally aware of what it is doing, and actually experiences virtual 'genuine remorse.' Also in each missile is a tiny recorder, designed to withstand the blast, that begins playing and repeating a pre-recorded message for half an hour after the explosion.
'Every missile is different, unique' says Dr Froggenkock, one of the weapon's developer's. 'What they share, definitely speaking, is a sense of duty and regret. Of responsibility in fact.'
This aspect of the missile came about as a result of pressure on Washington concerning the morality of previous US military interventions that was threatening to disrupt trade agreements. Reports say that some weapons crew have even become emotionally attached to the missiles, not in itself unusual perhaps, but certainly unusual in their intensity.
'I'm really gonna miss the little guy' said Corporal Meat of the USAF shortly before firing one of the prototypes in a display exercises. 'I was talking to him a time before the test, y'know, just sayin' so long little buddy and all - and I swear, I swear that li'l ol' rascal grinned at me. Now if y'all excuse me, I gotta go git myself behind a mule.'
A high ranking Whitehouse official said 'There's this perception, quite unjustified, of America as the bad guy. Gratitude for you huh? After all we've done for all those barefoot, rice-eating - well, anyway, the SYMP-1 is proof, as if any were needed, that the USA does not enjoy strafing, napalming, and carpet-bombing foreign people from a distance, and nor have we ever. In fact it has been the liberal media that has suppressed the fact that we strafed, napalmed, and carpet bombed all those slopes and spics and wogs with a sense of real remorse, alleviated only by the knowledge that we did so for their own good, and the SYMP-1, we believe, will demonstrate this.'
Criticism of the SYMP-1 has come from the hardline circles in Washington and the Rentagun. Some, like Senator Bud Nukemall, believe that the messages of remorse are a 'sign of weakness.'
'What the hell are we apologising for"' he demanded. 'Bombing the hell out of whoever we want whenever we want is what made this country great goddammit. If someone gets bombed by us then by God they deserve it. Hell - they should be thanking us for showing them where their salvation lies and that's with the good lord Jesus, goddamn bunch of slant-eyed towel-headed cotton-picking jew-loving flag-burning needle-sharing homo-hippie commie atheists!'
Senator Nukemall appears to be in the minority however. Most appear supportive of the immediate deployment of the SYMP-1. Suddendeath Industries, the company that developed the missile, also announced that it would be pushing ahead with sales of the weapon in Peru, Chile, Argentina, Thailand, Indonesia, Burma, Malaysia, Korea, Israel, Brazil, Egypt, Nigeria, Greece, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Turkey, South Africa, Australia, Great Britain, France, Portugal, Algeria, Kenya, etc etc...
It is on the behalf of the United States Oligarchy and with the greatest regret the I must inform you that you have just been democratised by a SYMP-1 missile, manufactured at Suddendeath Industries Manufacturing Centre in California.
If you have any questions or complaints about the sudden democratisation of yourself or any close to you, please address them to your current oppressive regime. In the meantime, please accept our sincerest apologies and know that by your democratisation you have automatically been entered into the prestigious 'Martyr of the Free World' competition whereby your remaining family members, if any, could win a lifetime's supply of cigarettes and beauty products.
If you would like competition details, or are interested in the performance capabilities of the SYMP-1, for instance in it's dual-delivery capacity, or perhaps it's unequalled dismemberment ratio, or, best of all, in it's very competitive pricing, then enquiries may be made at your nearest American embassy where out friendly, highly trained staff will be delighted to answer your questions.
The SYMP. 1t's more than just a missile- it's a tool for democratic reform.
Have a nice day now, y'hear?.
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.