Scoop Satire: Racist Support Group Up And Running

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"A place where people can air their prejudices in a non-judgmental environment" is how Sebastian Brained describes the newly opened Racist Support Group offices in Khandallah. The idea came to Mr Brained after a dispute in a bar over an alleged racial slur against Maori made by a Pakeha acquaintance.

"I just thought, gee - wouldn't it be great if there was a place where bigots could meet and speak freely without fear of stigmatisation or fear of physical retribution. We live in a very judgmental society and I believe the RSG fulfils an important function in allowing for the development of a pro-active, multi-faceted means of expression for those among us who don't like people who look or act differently from themselves."

The group meets twice a week and forms into groups according to either common race or shared prejudices.

"For me, that's been one of the most satisfying things. To see a Maori and a Pakeha, who by their own admission neither sympathise nor understand each other and what's more don't even want to, and then for them to get together to abuse Asians, or an Indian and a Samoan dissing Arabs, or whatever, y'know, that's a real barrier crossed."

Mr Brained confesses that the trial meetings occasionally devolved into confrontational situations.

"Yeah, it got a little out of hand sometimes. You'd get the occasional fistfight, knife pulled, gun out of the boot, that sort of stuff. And then the kids get harassed on the way home from school, wives and family get spat on, houses get torched y'know - but then that's just part of the rich tapestry of racism."

The increasing multiculturalism of New Zeal Inc has meant not only a rise in racial intolerance but a rich new crop of members as well. Although predominantly made up of Pakeha Europeans, Mr Brained says there has been a significant increase in Maori and Pacific Island members, which he sees as a reflection of their growing assuredness in society.

"There's this perception of racism being a very european pursuit, and undoubtedly that has been the traditional case, but I think people are finally beginning to see that racist values are universal, multi-racial. I mean, nobody would ever be turned away from our door because of the colour of their skin. Although some of the white-trash guys, who traditionally hate absolutely everybody, have gotten a little confused by the sheer variety now available to them."

To address this confusion Mr Brained has brought in a Numerical Lineality Consultant to assist the Europeans in prioritising their hatreds by teaching them how to count. "Progress", he says, "has been slow but steady. I think they're up to nine."

But it's not just pig-ignorant who attend the meetings. "You'd be amazed at who we get in here. A lot of people from the city, suits and all - in many ways they're the worst because they think their wallet proves them right. That and their selective historical memories. We even have a couple of regular members from Treasury."

And Mr Brained's own particular prejudice?

"Well, I'm not actually racist" he says, "But what is it with those Eskimos? Living in their stupid igloos and eating fish. If it wasn't for the white man they'd...um, they'd still be living in those igloos, that's what. Whiskey was a godsend to them I can tell you. Bloody primitives."

If you are a moronic twat and hopelessly afraid then the RSG can be reached by contacting Sebastian Brained on 555 4253.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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