Scoop Satire: Karori Expansionist Aims

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Northland warns of Karori expansionist aims

The annexation of Wilton is only the first step in a plan to establish a ‘Thousand Year Karori’ according to Northland JP Watford Crustfall.

Speaking to a crowd that had gathered outside the Northland fire station after hearing news that Karori had established territorial sovereignty over the suburb of Wilton, the respected Northland community leader said that unless democratic Wellington suburbs showed solidarity and acted immediately to halt such “naked acts of agression”, Northland could well be the next to face a territorial challenge from the increasingly militaristic western suburb.

“Make no mistake. To remain silent at this crucial juncture will only encourage Dr Hitlin and his cohorts. We urge the greater Wellington community to assist us in this dangerous hour - oh, hello Marion, didn’t see you down there. Yes, she’s much better now. Yes, I’ll tell her you said hello... yes...yes, and you - or else face consequences too terrible to imagine.” he said.

News of the annexation has caused anxiety throughout neighbouring suburbs. Wadestown condemned the move, calling it a violation of international council regulations, while Chartwell postponed all Saturday morning sports for 2 hours as people hurried to find out the fate of friends and relatives in Wilton.

The Wilton move had been threatened in increasingly provocative speeches made by Karori Komunityfuhrer Dr Heymann Hitlin. However, the speed and intensity of the attack took Wilton forces completely by surprise as over 250 vans and an estimated 325 SUV’s overwhelmed local streets and strategic intersections. Casualty figures have not been released, but independent WCC observers say that damage has been substantial. One told reporters “There wasn’t a letterbox left standing. Streetsigns torn down, gardens ravaged...I saw one elderly couple standing in the street in shock. The man just kept repeating ‘They’ve repainted our house...My God, they’ve repainted our house.’ It was a thoroughly ruthless and well-organised attack.”

Dr Hitlin immediately rejected Mr Crustall’s claims, saying that Karori had “a legitimate historical claim to the Wilton suburb. Our Northland neighbors have nothing to fear; like them, we are a peace-loving suburb. Indeed, I have always felt that of all the suburbanites, it is Northlanders that share the closest genetic make-up to our own superior bloodline. Let Justice Crustfall be assured, this will be Karori’s last territorial claim in the western suburbs.”

Dr Hitlin then spoke of the threat to suburban civilisation that so-called ‘Renters’ posed, and vowed to bring all known Renters to mortgage.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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