Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Scoop Satire: Karori Expansionist Aims

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Northland Warns Of Karori Expansionist Aims


Northland warns of Karori expansionist aims

The annexation of Wilton is only the first step in a plan to establish a ‘Thousand Year Karori’ according to Northland JP Watford Crustfall.

Speaking to a crowd that had gathered outside the Northland fire station after hearing news that Karori had established territorial sovereignty over the suburb of Wilton, the respected Northland community leader said that unless democratic Wellington suburbs showed solidarity and acted immediately to halt such “naked acts of agression”, Northland could well be the next to face a territorial challenge from the increasingly militaristic western suburb.

“Make no mistake. To remain silent at this crucial juncture will only encourage Dr Hitlin and his cohorts. We urge the greater Wellington community to assist us in this dangerous hour - oh, hello Marion, didn’t see you down there. Yes, she’s much better now. Yes, I’ll tell her you said hello... yes...yes, and you - or else face consequences too terrible to imagine.” he said.

News of the annexation has caused anxiety throughout neighbouring suburbs. Wadestown condemned the move, calling it a violation of international council regulations, while Chartwell postponed all Saturday morning sports for 2 hours as people hurried to find out the fate of friends and relatives in Wilton.

The Wilton move had been threatened in increasingly provocative speeches made by Karori Komunityfuhrer Dr Heymann Hitlin. However, the speed and intensity of the attack took Wilton forces completely by surprise as over 250 vans and an estimated 325 SUV’s overwhelmed local streets and strategic intersections. Casualty figures have not been released, but independent WCC observers say that damage has been substantial. One told reporters “There wasn’t a letterbox left standing. Streetsigns torn down, gardens ravaged...I saw one elderly couple standing in the street in shock. The man just kept repeating ‘They’ve repainted our house...My God, they’ve repainted our house.’ It was a thoroughly ruthless and well-organised attack.”

Dr Hitlin immediately rejected Mr Crustall’s claims, saying that Karori had “a legitimate historical claim to the Wilton suburb. Our Northland neighbors have nothing to fear; like them, we are a peace-loving suburb. Indeed, I have always felt that of all the suburbanites, it is Northlanders that share the closest genetic make-up to our own superior bloodline. Let Justice Crustfall be assured, this will be Karori’s last territorial claim in the western suburbs.”

Dr Hitlin then spoke of the threat to suburban civilisation that so-called ‘Renters’ posed, and vowed to bring all known Renters to mortgage.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>

ALSO:

Buildup:

Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>

ALSO:

Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>

ALSO:


Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news