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Scoop Satire: Crash To Host ‘Black Breakfast’

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Crash To Host ‘Black Breakfast’ To Keep Economy Growing

In an attempt to get the New Zeal economy moving in a growth-focused directional capacity, Lord High Inquisitor of the Preserved Bank, Reverend Don Crash, is to host a ‘Black Breakfast’, despite such rituals being banned in most national treasuries, and against warnings of economic commentators that to perform the highly secret rites of the Black Breakfast risks calling forth forces immune to conventional macroeconomic analysis.

Crash imperiously dismissed calls for caution at a press conference where he announced the Breakfast would be taking place, and went on to detail the circumstances surrounding his decison.

“Yea, I looked towards the skies and lo, death was beholden there, and the mighty towers of steel did fall, and the sacred Dow of David did fall, and all around I saw the people lamenting and moaning and crying out pitiably. And the Great Hand showed itself and spake to me thus:

‘Thou shalt call a Breakfast of Blackness, and gathered thereby shalt be the children of Adam. And thou shalt perform the holy rites and thus shall I reveal the Sacred Forecasts of Economic Activity for the next 2 quarters. And thou shalt use this knowing to smite the Beast of Inflation and all of its demons in attendance, and lo, the Beast shalt be slain for evermore. And thus shalt thy rejoice.’

“And thereby I in awe sunk to my knees saying: Great Hand, Great Hand, we thank thee for thy Spontaneous Natural Order, we praise thee for thy Self-Correcting Mercy, oh Great Hand of Nations, oh Divine Catallaxy, forgive your unworthy servant his statist interventions.”

While Black Breakfast’s were common in the early part of the 20th century, they were banned after the crash of 1929 - a crash that some believed to have been heavily influenced by macro-occultic forces summoned by a cabal of American and European bankers.

“Performing a Black Breakfast requires the utmost caution” says financial therapist Hoover Herbert. “You’re calling up entities who have no notion of conventional human morality. And to call them forth to receive some kind of vision as to how to intervene in their macroeconomic domain...it’s a highly dangerous process.”

The precise details of ceremonies involved in Black Breakfasts are shrouded in secrecy. While rumours that junior merchant bankers are sacrificed during the ceremony have been strenuosly denied by financial institutes, the 1985 discovery of a grave containing 18 headless skeletons within the grounds of the Mont Pelerin Society’s headquarters led to damaging revelations of annual human sacrifices - or ‘outgutting’ - being performed. The Society subsequently replaced it’s governing board with its governing board.

Reverend Crash stressed that modern versions of the ceremony require no blood sacrifice:

“While the infinite dimension equilibrium outgutting theory is now disbanded, there remain few results on the problem of equitable uniqueness. The purpose of this particular case is to study the pure exchange economy where Agents of Adam consumption space is log{Pm + Yi}=log{Lzi}, and agents revere additively seperable qualitative utilities which fulfill the sacred hypothesis regarding agents relative risk of disembowlment equal to subsequent aversion co-efficients which are no smaller than one.”

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
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