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Scoop Satire: Brian-Drain Figures Continue To Rise

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Brian-Drain Figures Continue To Rise
412 Brians Leave Shores In 6 Month Period


Latest figures released by the government show that the so-called ‘Brian-drain’ continues unabated with a further 412 Brians leaving for overseas in the last 6 months.

Opposition leader Bill Gumboot called the figures “a disgrace” and called on the government to take action to stem the flow.

“We are a small country and we can not compete on a purely industrial basis with larger nations overseas. Therefore, if we are to remain competitive, then we must use our greatest asset, and that is our Brians.” he said.

Prime Minister Hellen Clurk immediately hit back at Mr Gumboot however, saying that the level of departing Brians had been higher during the previous government’s reign.

“Brians have always left New Zeal” she said. “It’s in the nature of our geographical situation that many Brian’s will travel overseas at some stage, but most will return and probably be better Brians for the experience. Now print that - all of it.”

Criticism has also come from unexpected quarters. A full page advert taken out in a number of newspapers by Brian Swillheaps of Remuera points an accusing finger at the Labourious party’s high tax rate on Brians, who on average pay 5% more tax than non-Brians. Further controversy came when it was revealed that the advert had been partly funded by the Brian Round Table.

The Babylon Express caught up with Brian Liberal, 27, of Wellington, who is accepting a job offer in Los Angeles. When asked why he was taking the position he said that it was mainly “Because I can’t stand the rain…down on my window…brings back…sweet memories.”

He did confirm, however, that it was well-a “One – for the money. Two – for the show. Three – to get ready. Noe go cat go!”

He could not say for sure when he would return to our green and fertile shores however: “I’m leaving on a jet plane…Don’t know when I’ll be back again…Oh babe, you know I hate to go…”

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.


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