Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search


Scoop Satire: International Briefs

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

International Briefs

Blair re-appointed as cheerleader

British Prime Minister Tory Blair has been re-elected as head cheerleader for the US Government State Department for the 3rd year running. Mr Blair beat off strong competition this year from Australian PM John Coward to retain the much sought-after role.

US President said that Blair had won on the strength of their respective nations historical ‘special relationship’.

“And I can confirm that Tory is a very special leader, very special indeed - aren’t you Tory? You’re my special little friend.” said Bush, giving the blushing, sharp-toothed, dish-eared Mr Blair an affectionate pinch on the cheek.

The British PM then donned tights and pom-poms and delighted a large crowd with a routine he’d specially prepared, entitled “America, America - I’m Your Pal!”

Sharon Reassures Palestinians

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon today delivered a personal message of reassurance to Palestinians about his governments desire for a meaningful peace in the conflict ridden region.

“Yea, I am become death” said Sharon. “And death shall be my name and smiting shall be my nature, and those who defy my word are aggressors and must be smote by the flaming sword of Zion.”

US diplomatic attache Hubert Humphrey welcomed the offering and hoped that Palestinians would respond ‘responsibly’ to Sharon’s gesture.

However, Israeli Defence Force sources said that the only thing responsible about the Palestinian response was the orderly way they formed queues and waited patiently for their explosive suitcases.

Canada wasn’t last Tuesday

Canada reportedly suffered its worst identity crisis in the history of a nation beset by such crises last Tuesday when it was discovered that it hadn’t been Canada for the entire day before.

On the discovery of Canada’s notness the military immediately began erecting barricades in major cities to ensure that whatever Canada was, Canada was.

An evidently stunned Prime Minister Chretien, in a televised address to the nation on the following day, called for the Canadian parliament to “ratify a proposal Permanent Isness to be unilaterally adopted by all the Canadian provinces currently in existence.”

Only Ontario abstained from the legislative vote on the grounds that while they were, they also kind of weren’t at the same time, if you know what they mean.

Tragic deaths somewhere

23 people were killed somewhere about 30 miles northeast of a small red dot on a map graphic. The dead are said to include male and female, children and adults.

While it us unknown exactly how their deaths came about, speculation has centred on the possibility of their having been doing something unsafe, or else perhaps initially safe, but then turning unsafe for reasons not yet discovered. Or it may have been something else altogether.

Aid workers described the tragedy as avoidable though, so maybe it was. Not really sure. There’s some great photographs though, including some gross-cool corpse shots, and a really sad one of a crying baby.

While it is unknown for sure why the baby was crying, it is thought that the 23 dead people in the background may have had something to do with it.

The 23 people were killed somewhere about 30 miles northeast of a small red dot on a map graphic. Foreigners, most likely.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>



Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>


Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>


Get More From Scoop

Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news