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Scoop Satire: International Briefs

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

International Briefs

Blair re-appointed as cheerleader

British Prime Minister Tory Blair has been re-elected as head cheerleader for the US Government State Department for the 3rd year running. Mr Blair beat off strong competition this year from Australian PM John Coward to retain the much sought-after role.

US President said that Blair had won on the strength of their respective nations historical ‘special relationship’.

“And I can confirm that Tory is a very special leader, very special indeed - aren’t you Tory? You’re my special little friend.” said Bush, giving the blushing, sharp-toothed, dish-eared Mr Blair an affectionate pinch on the cheek.

The British PM then donned tights and pom-poms and delighted a large crowd with a routine he’d specially prepared, entitled “America, America - I’m Your Pal!”

Sharon Reassures Palestinians

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon today delivered a personal message of reassurance to Palestinians about his governments desire for a meaningful peace in the conflict ridden region.

“Yea, I am become death” said Sharon. “And death shall be my name and smiting shall be my nature, and those who defy my word are aggressors and must be smote by the flaming sword of Zion.”

US diplomatic attache Hubert Humphrey welcomed the offering and hoped that Palestinians would respond ‘responsibly’ to Sharon’s gesture.

However, Israeli Defence Force sources said that the only thing responsible about the Palestinian response was the orderly way they formed queues and waited patiently for their explosive suitcases.

Canada wasn’t last Tuesday

Canada reportedly suffered its worst identity crisis in the history of a nation beset by such crises last Tuesday when it was discovered that it hadn’t been Canada for the entire day before.

On the discovery of Canada’s notness the military immediately began erecting barricades in major cities to ensure that whatever Canada was, Canada was.

An evidently stunned Prime Minister Chretien, in a televised address to the nation on the following day, called for the Canadian parliament to “ratify a proposal Permanent Isness to be unilaterally adopted by all the Canadian provinces currently in existence.”

Only Ontario abstained from the legislative vote on the grounds that while they were, they also kind of weren’t at the same time, if you know what they mean.

Tragic deaths somewhere

23 people were killed somewhere about 30 miles northeast of a small red dot on a map graphic. The dead are said to include male and female, children and adults.

While it us unknown exactly how their deaths came about, speculation has centred on the possibility of their having been doing something unsafe, or else perhaps initially safe, but then turning unsafe for reasons not yet discovered. Or it may have been something else altogether.

Aid workers described the tragedy as avoidable though, so maybe it was. Not really sure. There’s some great photographs though, including some gross-cool corpse shots, and a really sad one of a crying baby.

While it is unknown for sure why the baby was crying, it is thought that the 23 dead people in the background may have had something to do with it.

The 23 people were killed somewhere about 30 miles northeast of a small red dot on a map graphic. Foreigners, most likely.


- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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