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Waiau Fandango: Project "Happy Days"

Scoop presents the Waiau Fandango News Agency, a satirical news service created by North Canterbury writer Nicholas Belton.

Waiau Fandango is a public Service news agency, dedicated to improving the health of the community. Our mission is to help those unfortunate, or just simply spineless, individuals, who have become enslaved by their addiction to news media.

While most people can happily watch the evening news, and occasionally talk about the newspaper with friends, others begin to develop the cracked, sweating, face of a determined worrier, tormented by visions of calamity. It is our great pleasure, and therapeutic duty, to reassure these sad, uncertain people.

Some of the people under our care have spent many fruitless years thinking for themselves. These pathetic orphans wander the wreckage of their personalities constantly questioning themselves- "What is expected of me now?, how can I react? is this a moment I see before me?"

We at Waiau Fandango urge people to confess their inner-most ignorance, declare their inadequacy, to praise their own normality. There's no shame in this condition- no one is different. We urge suffers to express their invented fears and apparent imbecility to an audience of sympathetic strangers, as so many others have, but we do recommend a time limit of 15 minutes for each guest.

What we at Waiau Fandango have presented today is a sample of belief, created by those special moments of faith and hope, channelled through human nature without doubt or hesitation. Here is our salute to those brave impulses.

Free Radical Alert!

Dangerously unbalanced patients of former mental health provider, The Alliance, are now roaming the streets endangering both themselves and the community. Lacking food and shelter, these desperate, unmedicated revolutionaries, have been attempting to seize the means of production We are advising the public not to pick up any hitch-hikers, we have already had a report of a family abducted and forced to listen to a long lecture on political economy after which they were forced to drive to the Benmore Dam, so that the activist could sing "The People's Flag" before barricading the access road.

America

George Bush announced today that his mother, Barbara Bush will control the Presidential commission investigating why things aren't the way they used to be. "Mom knows what's best for us", he was reported as saying. Mrs. Bush will also be involved in Project 'Happy Days", a 3 billion dollar effort to convert the T.V series of the same name into reality. "I love the Fonz", said Mrs. Bush, " He's so cool - but he cares."

Australia

In Australia, John Howard has urged all patriotic Australians to "Bond with their Blood" "Our culture and nation is under attack" he declared, "Details of the nature and degree of the threat haven't been identified yet, but I still want every Australian to panic and remain insecure"

Philip Ruddock, in an exclusive interview given to Waiau Fandango, says that the photo that apparently shows Asylum seekers throwing their children over-board, while not showing the immediate truth, has allowed a greater truth to emerge. " What we would like to emphasis is the importance of parents providing life-jackets for their children." Mr. Ruddock said. Waiau Fandango asked if Mr. Ruddock thought that this photo may have confused the Australian public, "Not at all, " he replied, " we gave the public the opportunity to understand themselves, and our attitude to them. I think people saw what they wanted to see." Did Mr. Ruddock think that this photo contributed to the election result? "No, why we won the election was the public support for GST, which we will be raising now, as a tribute to public wisdom. Another factor was that this Government is prepared to steer a course, rather than simply letting events set the course for us".

Waiau Fandango was able to catch a passing comment from Prime Minister John Howard as he lurched onwards towards another crisis, "No, there is no turning back now- being Prime Minister means never having to say that you're sorry"

New Zealand

Rumors are flying around the studios of Television New Zealand that Richard Long is prepared to take his responsibilities as "Father Of the Nation" more seriously. Father Long will be delivering moral sermons after every news items, and will begin interviewing newsmakers personally. These interviews will follow a new format, with Father Long either patting them on the head and giving them a lolly, or comparing them to John Hawksby, and shouting at them. "We can't stop him", a frightened gossip monger, told Waiau Fandango, "Judy is the only person who can stop him, but she will never go against him- she knows her place"

Coming to a theater near you,

International Observer Mission 2- Passion for the Process! Jan -Claude van Dam and Jackie Chan, star as two clip-board totting, pen-chewing, U.N monitors, in this four hour epic of wandering aimlessly, being denied access to anything useful, listening to excuses for human rights violations, and trying to get paid.

Audiences have show initial interest, but most leave before the gripping final, as van Dam and Chan file their report, which is destined for a minor role in the U.N recycling project

Feedback & submissions to nim.tick@xtra.co.nz


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