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Waiau Fandango: Away From The Quiet Pockets Of Joy

Scoop presents the Waiau Fandango News Agency, a satirical news service created by North Canterbury writer Nicholas Belton.

Waiau Fandango is a public Service news agency, dedicated to improving the health of the community.

Our mission is to help those unfortunate, or just simply spineless, individuals, who have become enslaved by their addiction to news media. While most people can happily watch the evening news, and occasionally talk about the newspaper with friends, others begin to develop the cracked, sweating, face of a determined worrier, tormented by visions of calamity. It is our great pleasure, and therapeutic duty, to reassure these sad, uncertain people.

Media addicts range from those who have simply over-committed themselves, to those pitiful wretches who cannot even admit to enjoying Coke. What all these people have in common is a chronic state of over-thinking.

Over-thinking is a state where the individual becomes ignorant of their own imperfections, and decides to try and explain everything that they experience. They begin to divide their conscious thoughts into ever smaller units of understanding, until the original motivation is forgotten.

We here at Waiau Fandango have taken upon ourselves the mighty task of providing the most plausible explanations, and in this we are supported by politicians, media organizations, and Freemasons - Because we know it makes sense.

World Trade Reform
-------------------------------
Mike Moore, the mis-understood genius imprisoned as Chairman of the World Trade Organization, has devised a debt relief program that has stunned protesters into puzzled silence. "Global Lotto!", he shouted " 50 new millionaires every week!, presented by Me!, Yes!, I love you all!"

America
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The latest proposals for bringing the rest of reality into line with the Bush administration, involve imaginative solutions for energy efficiency. President Bush has apparently been visualizing breaking through the Kyoto Agreement for some time, using his imagination to understand how good it feels to break through his limitations. "Let us soar above what is ordinarily considered, let us dare to believe the unbelievable, let the bounds of the world fall away, let our expectations run away with us", is what president Bush would have said, if someone had not stopped him. Other Proposals were:
1.The installation of frustration windmills into the vehicles of commuters, which would be powered by the forceful expression of breath passing through gritted teeth.
2. Reducing global emissions by cutting funding to those who measure global emissions.
3. Extending the use of catalytic converters to cover both Congress and the Senate.
4. Super-imposing Stephan Hawkings head over any image of the supposed Ozone hole, reminding people that some things are too boring to really be understood, and that the egg-heads have got it covered anyway.

The Knowledge Wave
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How well do you know yourself?- thanks to the wonders of modern surveillance, you can now gamble on your own existence! Will you have a shitty day at work today?, can you get laid on the weekend?, will your inner-most fears be realised?, is there any point in continuing your desperate life? Thanks to "Big Brother Betting", your daily life will finally have some meaning, just ring 0800 CIA and proclaim that you have nothing to hide! Big Brother Betting- Because it's your life we're talking about!

Feed The Rich
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After many long months of moral reflection, the Nation Party of New Zealand has declared itself the champion of the disadvantaged minority of New Zealanders who are forced by the discriminatory practices of the present Government to go skiing in Queenstown, even though they would rather go to Colorado USA. "We in the National party believe that it is a public responsibility to care for those more fortunate that ourselves" Announced Mr. English, to a crowd of thousands of hysterical supporters "Some desperate individuals have even resorted to moral blackmail, threatening to throw their children into State education, because this Government wants them to bank in Tonga, rather than Liechtenstein, wants them to drive cars rather than helicopters, forces them to own a house in Auckland, rather than Sydney." If elected, National also plans to send the entire international aid budget to Monaco. After these inflammatory words, National Party supporters rioted, destroying public transport, and terrorizing the elderly.

Monotony.
-------------------
"Monotony" is the name of the new designer drug that is sweeping through New Zealand. We were able to interview a former addict, on the condition we did not identify him- we told DR Don Brash that this was fine by us.

" I began to take Monotony, because all my friends were taking it. To begin with I could handle it- I could still be spontaneous, I used to get excited about things." "But then I began to take higher and higher doses, until I couldn't do anything except what was expected of me- it was terrible, I would have broke down and cried on some days, then then I realised how embarrassing this would be" " Now, as part of my recovery, I can no longer venture out, everything around me must be strictly controlled, I can never be enthusiastic again. Thankfully I found an institution that understood my condition and was prepared to let me sleep in the office."

A scandalous rumor, with absolutely no basis in fact, but which we have a public duty to report, is that Jim Anderton is a monotony addict and refuses to admit it.

And in other news, quiet joy has been declared at several unmarked destinations, deep in the world, somewhere. When we attempted to access these areas, we were told, "Bugger Off, Doom Merchants!"

Feedback & submissions to nim.tick@xtra.co.nz

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