Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Waiau Fandango: World News Round-up

Scoop presents the Waiau Fandango News Agency, a satirical news service created by North Canterbury writer Nicholas Belton.

Waiau Fandango is a public Service news agency, dedicated to improving the health of the community. Our mission is to help those unfortunate, or just simply spineless, individuals, who have become enslaved by their addiction to news media.

While most people can happily watch the evening news, and occasionally talk about the newspaper with friends, others begin to develop the cracked, sweating, face of a determined worrier, tormented by visions of calamity.

This week we are joined by Ronald Smarty, Olympic medal winning motivational speaker, who is here in Waiau to promote his powerful new book, "Why you want to Be- Like Me" We asked Ron, what advice he had for media addicts, " I would ask them to look themselves straight in the eye, and ask themselves what is standing between them and their destiny?"

The difference between Ron and other motivation speakers is that he dares us to understand the truth!, as Ron says, "The biggest obstacle to you and your dreams is yourself!,- Of course it is!- stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on who you want to be. Just try and imagine for a minute,( if you can- I want you to try hard), how wonderful it is to be me." We love Ron.

Switzerland

In a lavish ceremony held in the Swiss resort town of St. Moritz, Henry Kissenger received the Ribbentrop award for his life-time achievement in diplomatic manipulation. Representatives from the governments of Chile, Bangladesh, East Timor, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos and Angola, were present as well as members of the American Vietnam veterans association. " I thank you very much for this award, " Mr. Kissenger said in his acceptance speech, " this award is no more than I deserve. I'd like to thank everyone who made my work possible- I couldn't have done it without you!"

America

( Conversation overheard by Waiau Fandango's Washington Corespondent between President George Bush and one of his personal thought-thinkers, while waiting outside the presidential Burger-King)

George: "Why do I have to bomb people before they take me seriously?" Thinker: " I blame the Disney Channel, sir" George: " When can I bomb Sharon?" Thinker: " We've tried that sir, but our smart bombs fail to detonate on Jewish targets- don't ask me why" George: "Damned Democrats!- every day I got more folks pestering me to do something- so, what am I going to do?" Thinker: " Well sir, your mother thinks that Yasser Arafat needs a shave, while Mr Bush Senior isn't talking to you after you stole his putter. Donald Rumsfelt wants to make a nuclear desert out of the entire West Bank, while Colin Powell had to be restrained after trying to strangle Arial Sharon." George: "So, what am I going to do?" Thinker: "Give Mr Bush back his putter"

Palestine

(Heard coming from the besieged compound of Yasser Arafat)

" Please believe us- Elvis has left the building."

New Zealand

Hoping to put more venom into his campaign, Bill English has hired the Rev. Ian Paisely as his Speech writer. " We had a hell of a time convincing the Rev that Helen Clark was part of the grand Catholic conspiracy,", Said Michelle Boag, " but once he heard about Helen Clarks trouser-suits, there was no stopping him."

Mr Bill English is expected to announce his election campaign with a rousing march through state housing districts, under banners that proclaim, "By the blood of the savior, we are better than you will ever be!

In a stunning coup for New Zealand diplomacy, Australia said it was considering letting New Zealand stage some of this years ANZAC day ceremonies.

Venezuela

Hugo Charvez, in a speech broadcast live on de-regulated Television, has thanked Present Bush for his support during the latest political fluctuations. " I praise the strength and wisdom of my American friends", said Charvas, " and am eager to begin full compliance with the W.T.O and I.M.F. Plus I have just received confirmation that a special team of U.N fuel inspectors have kindly offered to check the safety of our oil reserves- is there no end to our good fortune?"

A spokesperson for the Bush administration said that they were " Delighted that President Chavez has made a full recovery."

Sport

A small committee convened by this reporter, who was terribly bored one Sunday afternoon, pronounced themselves unmoved by the campaign to introduce the egg and spoon race into the Winter Olympic program.

Feedback & submissions to nim.tick@xtra.co.nz

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>

ALSO:

Buildup:

Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>

ALSO:

Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>

ALSO:


Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news