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Waiau Fandango: World News Round-up

Scoop presents the Waiau Fandango News Agency, a satirical news service created by North Canterbury writer Nicholas Belton.

Waiau Fandango is a public Service news agency, dedicated to improving the health of the community. Our mission is to help those unfortunate, or just simply spineless, individuals, who have become enslaved by their addiction to news media.

While most people can happily watch the evening news, and occasionally talk about the newspaper with friends, others begin to develop the cracked, sweating, face of a determined worrier, tormented by visions of calamity.

This week we are joined by Ronald Smarty, Olympic medal winning motivational speaker, who is here in Waiau to promote his powerful new book, "Why you want to Be- Like Me" We asked Ron, what advice he had for media addicts, " I would ask them to look themselves straight in the eye, and ask themselves what is standing between them and their destiny?"

The difference between Ron and other motivation speakers is that he dares us to understand the truth!, as Ron says, "The biggest obstacle to you and your dreams is yourself!,- Of course it is!- stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on who you want to be. Just try and imagine for a minute,( if you can- I want you to try hard), how wonderful it is to be me." We love Ron.

Switzerland

In a lavish ceremony held in the Swiss resort town of St. Moritz, Henry Kissenger received the Ribbentrop award for his life-time achievement in diplomatic manipulation. Representatives from the governments of Chile, Bangladesh, East Timor, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos and Angola, were present as well as members of the American Vietnam veterans association. " I thank you very much for this award, " Mr. Kissenger said in his acceptance speech, " this award is no more than I deserve. I'd like to thank everyone who made my work possible- I couldn't have done it without you!"

America

( Conversation overheard by Waiau Fandango's Washington Corespondent between President George Bush and one of his personal thought-thinkers, while waiting outside the presidential Burger-King)

George: "Why do I have to bomb people before they take me seriously?" Thinker: " I blame the Disney Channel, sir" George: " When can I bomb Sharon?" Thinker: " We've tried that sir, but our smart bombs fail to detonate on Jewish targets- don't ask me why" George: "Damned Democrats!- every day I got more folks pestering me to do something- so, what am I going to do?" Thinker: " Well sir, your mother thinks that Yasser Arafat needs a shave, while Mr Bush Senior isn't talking to you after you stole his putter. Donald Rumsfelt wants to make a nuclear desert out of the entire West Bank, while Colin Powell had to be restrained after trying to strangle Arial Sharon." George: "So, what am I going to do?" Thinker: "Give Mr Bush back his putter"

Palestine

(Heard coming from the besieged compound of Yasser Arafat)

" Please believe us- Elvis has left the building."

New Zealand

Hoping to put more venom into his campaign, Bill English has hired the Rev. Ian Paisely as his Speech writer. " We had a hell of a time convincing the Rev that Helen Clark was part of the grand Catholic conspiracy,", Said Michelle Boag, " but once he heard about Helen Clarks trouser-suits, there was no stopping him."

Mr Bill English is expected to announce his election campaign with a rousing march through state housing districts, under banners that proclaim, "By the blood of the savior, we are better than you will ever be!

In a stunning coup for New Zealand diplomacy, Australia said it was considering letting New Zealand stage some of this years ANZAC day ceremonies.

Venezuela

Hugo Charvez, in a speech broadcast live on de-regulated Television, has thanked Present Bush for his support during the latest political fluctuations. " I praise the strength and wisdom of my American friends", said Charvas, " and am eager to begin full compliance with the W.T.O and I.M.F. Plus I have just received confirmation that a special team of U.N fuel inspectors have kindly offered to check the safety of our oil reserves- is there no end to our good fortune?"

A spokesperson for the Bush administration said that they were " Delighted that President Chavez has made a full recovery."

Sport

A small committee convened by this reporter, who was terribly bored one Sunday afternoon, pronounced themselves unmoved by the campaign to introduce the egg and spoon race into the Winter Olympic program.

Feedback & submissions to nim.tick@xtra.co.nz

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