Babylon Express: Capitalism On The March
Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.
A massive seventeen people surged down the left-hand footpath of Willis Street yesterday in a popular demonstration of support for the economic ideology of Capitalism. Carrying banners such as 'Mindless Consumption Equals Happiness', 'Equality of Exploitation Now!', and 'Investments Make You Free,' they advocated their cause past the trading banks, fashion boutiques, cafes and music stores of the city's 'Golden Mile.'
Asked why there weren't more marchers, leader Adam Luther-Smith said it was a result of all the really dedicated Capitalists being busy buying absurdly expensive knick-knacks from the Thorndon Fair, where even a small punnet of home made fudge cost three dollars.
Luther-Smith added that Capitalism, despite rampantly striding like some colossal Sherman across a Global Georgia, nevertheless needed such public demonstrations of support to counter the "collectivist propaganda" currently dominating the mainstream media.
"We stand for all which is great and good in the world" he said. "Progress, prosperity, profit and an ideology which makes white educated self-righteous folk feel all warm and fuzzy inside, as well as objectively superior to everybody else."
The march terminated at the steps of Parliament where Luther-King gave the following speech before the huddled masses, eliciting a piddling applause as they stood lonely upon a wide expanse of cobblestones.
I say to you today, my friends, that in spite our static economy after seventeen years of free market reform I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in my university economics textbook.
I have a dream that one day this nation will break up into an anti-social brutal agglomeration of money lusting individuals who live out the true meaning of the creed 'What's mine is mine, what's yours is negotiable.'
I have a dream that one day in the trading rooms of The City the sons of the humble masses and the sons of the former bloated plutocrats will be able to sit down together and wipe out the currencies of various nations.
I have a dream that in the aisles of our huge, ugly, weltering barns full of second-rate dirt-cheap plastic junk, mothers will be emotionally blackmailed by their children into buying into the latest fad.
I have a dream that our children will one day live in a global economy where they will not be judged by the content of their character but by the brand-names on their clothes and shoes.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day that in the fields of Honduras, where right wing death-squads trained, armed, and financed by the Central Intelligence Agency shoot any peasant seen wearing a pair of glasses, huge multinationals will be able to construct factories full of workers who will successfully compete with the overpriced labour and over-comfortable conditions of their Mexican neighbours.
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be flooded, every hill and mountain mined flat, the island made into a golf course, and the meadow subdivided. And there our children and our children's children shall purchase beautifully illustrated coffee table books to remember God's Green Earth by...
Oh Yes, I have a dream today!
And if our destiny of a late model B.M.W. for the garage of every spec house of every monotonous suburb is to be come true, then the power of money must be set free.
So set money free from the grasp of the tax-gatherers and the welfare beneficiaries. Set money free from the adamantine bonds of ethical business practices. Set money free from the mindless sympathies for the starving and the oppressed, from the imploring eyes of the Wretched of the Earth.
I say set money free from the misleading lessons of History.
I say set money free from the demands of the infrastructure of modern society.
But not only that - set money free from the sentimentality and inefficiencies inherent in the wasteful politics of an active Democracy.
Set money free from the weak hearts and shallow minds of freely elected representatives of the people.
Set money free from every red tape and regulation of Government, from every socialistic doctrine, from every collectivist impulse, set money free!
And when we have set money free, when we have privatised every public asset, every library and hospital, every prison and every utility, only then will we be able to speed up the day when all the Market's players, banker and sweatshop worker, advertiser and target-marketed audience, chief executive and underpaid part-time solo mother, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of that old Wall Street spiritual, 'Rich at last! Rich at last! Thank Myself almighty, I am rich at last!'
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.