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Waiau Fandango: Apocalypse Force 2

Scoop presents the Waiau Fandango News Agency, a satirical news service created by North Canterbury writer Nicholas Belton.

Does your media-service leave you feeling uncertain, confused, and suffering random guilt attacks? Do you feel a duty think about everything, all the time?, do you wonder why nothing seems to make any sense?

If this sounds like you, then you may be suffering from a toxic reaction to the impurities of existence. Have a close look at the information that you expose your imagination to, and you will find that it is contaminated by reality, leaving your imagination raw and inflamed. Thankfully, help is at hand.

We at Waiau Fandango take only the freshest, most exciting news, and then squeeze out all traces of dangerous humanity, leaving only 100 per cent pure objective news that will leave you refreshed and invigorated.

We refine reality, producing only the best answers, because we sincerely believe that our audience expects only the very best.

Waiau Fandango is at the cutting edge of this exciting industry, providing unrivaled security and peace-of mind, for those who understand that what they don't know, maybe isn't worth knowing.

Waiau Fandango Investigates

Have you ever felt that the destiny of humanity is passing you by? have you ever wondered what is that terrible sense of foreboding every time a new scientific break-through is announced?, ever wondered why so many children look like Bill Gates?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then you are wrong. If anyone should ask you a question about Cloning, it would be best to cover any possible embarrassment by just saying " yes please."

Waiau Fandango was able to interview DR Trustus Hugehead, managing normal of a mail-order cloning service, while he was waiting at an unmarked bus-stop.

W.F: DR Hugehead, what can you say to assuage the fears that people have about cloning?

Hugehead: People should realise that we will not clone everyone, just those people we like.

W.F: What motivates people to use your service?

Hugehead: I would say that cloning is the purest form of self-love. Indeed when the clone matures it will be possible to put theory into practice. I would like to love myself as much as I love others.

W.F: What hopes do you have for your service?

Hugehead: If we save just one of me, then we will have been successful.

W.F: Can you reveal any details about your clients?

Hugehead: Media groups are very interested in having spare copies of celebrities, but the greatest interest has come from the church- contrary to popular myth, God is not dead, just waiting on a suitable surrogate"

The Fashion industry has expressed its support for cloning "Perhaps we will be able to have real run-way models, not the animated corpses we use now. We could also have natural store mannequins," a spokesgod was quoted as saying.

France

Le Pen, said today that if elected he would purge France's world cup football team of all players descended from immigrants, because it was unfair .

" Just because they are better than the pure flower of French Manhood, that doesn't mean that they deserve success"

New Zealand

Helen Clark in a fit of manic melancholy after her artistic rejection by the public, ordered Trevor Mallard to cut off his ear.

Forecast for the Year Ahead:

(Federated Farmers this week released their long awaited Advice booklet, "Strategies for dealing with Apocalyptic Weather Conditions", here is part one of a two part special feature.)

"If El Nino conditions worsen, this may give rise to a condition known by meteorologists as "The end of the world", or " Apocalypse force 1"

"In this situation, a south westerly weather pattern, followed by the mark of the Lord falling upon the saved, makes for rather unstable growing conditions. Farmers can expect peals of thunder, lighting, voices and an earthquake."

"If conditions deteriorate further, we may reach "apocalypse force 2",in which an unstable weather pattern brings squally showers of Hail fire and blood. Should we experience this the consequences appear rather dire, with a third of the earth and pasture destroyed, and what remains will probably fall under the control of the resource management act. If farmers find themselves with any part of their property still intact, they will face insurance premiums so high that the mere sight of them will cause heart attacks."

" However, showers of blood should leave pasture in good condition, and may lead to reduced phosphate demand. It should be possible to store some of this excess nutrient in stockwater dams, for irrigation later in the year- should life as we normally experience it continue."

"If consumer demand for wickedness and sights unpleasing to God increase, Farmers may have the mis-fortune to experience "Apocalypse force 2", which is generally announced by a fiery mountain being thrown into the sea. ( Met service may be able to provide advance warning of this) According to projections at Lincoln University, this will mean the loss of a third of the ships which sail upon the sea, challenging our ability to fulfill export quotas."

(Part two will be published next week)

(I would like to thank John Anderson, who has been listening to me blather on for the last five weeks, and still manages to sound cheerful. May you live long and populate the earth with your offspring!)

Feedback & submissions to nim.tick@xtra.co.nz

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