Waiau Fandango: Extreme Reason
Rarely is the question asked, are our brains learning? How is it that after so much effort, so many individuals find themselves unable to commit to an informed, static position?
A sadistically released report today concluded that everything, everywhere now has an explanation. Thanks to the wonders of media opinion it is now possible for a single individual to have the whole sum total of existence described to them.
There is a reason for everything, and there is a plan for every circumstance, the creation of a better reality has been accomplished. Nothing will be left unexplained, all has been arranged for our comfort.
Now is not the time to stand up and be counted, it is the time to sit down and get comfortable. No more must we over-extend our capacities, never again must we suffer the anxiety of belief. Just listen to the soothing sound of sanity- relax, unwind, and let your thoughts drift. Let us join together for the Waiau Fandango.
Remember there is no shame in being ordinary- you have nothing to hide- without the blank darkness of ordinary lives, we would lose the sparkling stars.
Following the success of extremist candidates in Europe, Waiau Fandango investigates extreme New Zealand.
After many months of searching the suburban wilderness we managed to make contact with shadowy figures from an organization whose existence has long been the preserve of myth and legend - the United Future party of New Zealand.
Through our extensive contacts in the Neighborhood watch, we were able to interview a man who would only identify himself as John Campell.
Waiau Fandango: Mr Campell, could you explain your doctrine of "Radical Moderation"?
John Campell: For Goodness sake!, I really wonder sometimes!, all we saying is that everyone must agree that they are right, and we will agree with them.
J.C: Because, by golly, our ideals demand it- we will agree with everybody- nothing less than total compromise!
W.F: Is that strictly necessary?
J.C: I'm warning you!, if you can't understand, I will have to explain it to you again! We are totally devoted to reason, and we will fight until we find a reason to stop. There is only duty, compromise and cheerfulness. We have total discipline in moderation.
W.F After "The Tryanny of Opinion", how do you see New Zealand developing under the bland dictatorship of Peter Dunne?
J.C: Then we will begin the great fence building, so that all may sit on the moral high ground! (Here the interview ended when Mr Campell got a bit too excited and had to go and have a lie down)
National means Business
Getting tough on crime, Leader of the Opposition Bill English explained , means that all those convicted of serious crimes such as assaulting the elderly, should have this tattooed on their foreheads, so that everyone will know how sorry Gerry Brownlee is.
French Nationalists are claiming victory in last week’s elections- "President Chirac won only with the support of Blacks, Jews, Socialists, Homosexuals, Women, and the mentally unstable. The destiny of France cannot be held to ransom by these minorities! Our candidate, Le Pen won 95% of the votes cast by people who actually deserve the right to represent France, so you see we have actually won."
Under pressure to provide debt relief to developing nations, Mike Moore- international man of mystery, has announced that for every dollar spent on debt payment, 1 air point will be awarded.
Following allegations that the Winter-Olympics are discriminatory, a committee has been convened to organize the first ever tropical Olympics. Unfortunately the meeting had to be cancelled when no-one remembered to arrive on the same day.
Apocalypse Part two
Following the decline of the global optimism market, Many farmers have shifted mental resources into pessimistic thought production, taking advantage of increasing returns per thought expended.
Federated Farmers released an advice leaflet covering how farmers can prepare for the end of the world. Here is part two of a Waiau Fandango exclusive.
"Farmers would be well-advised to plan ahead and make sure they are pleasing to the sight of God, in return they will receive the lords ear-tag, and when the great drafting of humanity begins, they will be released back unto the pastures of the lord. Lo, those others who have footrot of the soul, infertility of the spirit, or fly-strike in their faith, will be loaded aboard the transporter of the apocalypse."
" Those who fail to take proper preparations can expect a torrid time. Expect to have water resources contaminated with wormwood. Wormwood commodities will plummet in value, causing total destruction of the wormwood industry, estimated to be worthless internationally. Studies have concluded that it may be possible to water stock with a wormwood by-product, Absinthe. The results of these studies have shown increased fertility rates, but correspondingly increased rate of manic depression. Under such conditions stock become unpleasant and difficult to live with."
" After wormwood contamination, the next expected development is a massive daylight saving increase that will reduce by a third the time allocation given to farmers by the authorities. A third of the day and a third of the night will be deduced, meaning that the whole of New Zealand will suffer under conditions remisant of Waiouru- that twilight town on the edge of reason.
" We can now confirm that the pest invasion following the time reduction will consist of what appear to be giant flying poisonous ferrets, rather than the usual small green aphids that normally arrive at this time of year. Woe upon those who have not the ear-tag of the lord, as these terrible beasts lie in wait every morning, to torture the unwary farmer trying to get some tractor work done. It may well prove impossible to plan for a normal growing season under such conditions."
"It will be a great temptation to many, under such stress, to call it a day, and get some rest. But while mortgage repayments still have to be made, and euthanasia still considered a crime, producers will simply have to make the best out of a bad situation."