Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search


Babylon Express: Comforting With Intent

Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Man With No Sporting Ability Arrested For Attempting To Comfort Sick Children

A Petone man with no sporting ability was arrested this morning after entering the Starship Troopers Children’s Hospital in Wellington and attempting to comfort children in the Leukaemia ward.

James Marlinspike, 35, was detained by hospital staff until police officers arrived to arrest him for Illicit Sympathy and Comforting with Intent. Police say that a further charge of Sporting Incompetence may yet be laid.

Staff said their attention had been drawn to Marlinspike when he struck up a conversation with Little Jimmy Freckles, aged 8, without a photographer in attendance.

“I remember thinking oh, I didn’t know we had an All Black visiting today”, said ward nurse Anna Ratchet, “But I couldn’t place him. So I thought Black Cap? Warrior? Yachtie? Then it hit me – he wasn’t a famous sportsman at all. He was just some guy- and he was comforting the children!”

At least two children suffered attacks of Tangible Disappointment on realising that Marlinspike was just some guy, with another receiving counselling to explain why she probably wasn’t going to Disneyland after all. Hospital staff say the girl will require an entire Hurricane’s backline as well as regular doses of Black Caps over the next three weeks to alleviate her condition.

When questioned in custody about his sporting record, Marlinspike admitted that his highest representative appearance had been for Naenae college’s 3rd fifteen as a teenager – a level police regarded as “grossly insufficient” to justify his actions.

Constable Dave Kidneystones said the incident showed that the public could not be complacent about the possibility of people with no notable sporting ability being in their midst.

“The fact has to be faced that these people are out there. They’re generally unfit, they’re generally uncoordinated, they’re almost certainly not team players, and they don’t represent our most primal emotional and nationalistic urges.”

Police request members of the public who know of anyone without significant sporting ability to report it to their local constabulary forthwith.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>



Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>


Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>


Get More From Scoop

Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news