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Babylon Express: Comforting With Intent

Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Man With No Sporting Ability Arrested For Attempting To Comfort Sick Children

A Petone man with no sporting ability was arrested this morning after entering the Starship Troopers Children’s Hospital in Wellington and attempting to comfort children in the Leukaemia ward.

James Marlinspike, 35, was detained by hospital staff until police officers arrived to arrest him for Illicit Sympathy and Comforting with Intent. Police say that a further charge of Sporting Incompetence may yet be laid.

Staff said their attention had been drawn to Marlinspike when he struck up a conversation with Little Jimmy Freckles, aged 8, without a photographer in attendance.

“I remember thinking oh, I didn’t know we had an All Black visiting today”, said ward nurse Anna Ratchet, “But I couldn’t place him. So I thought Black Cap? Warrior? Yachtie? Then it hit me – he wasn’t a famous sportsman at all. He was just some guy- and he was comforting the children!”

At least two children suffered attacks of Tangible Disappointment on realising that Marlinspike was just some guy, with another receiving counselling to explain why she probably wasn’t going to Disneyland after all. Hospital staff say the girl will require an entire Hurricane’s backline as well as regular doses of Black Caps over the next three weeks to alleviate her condition.

When questioned in custody about his sporting record, Marlinspike admitted that his highest representative appearance had been for Naenae college’s 3rd fifteen as a teenager – a level police regarded as “grossly insufficient” to justify his actions.

Constable Dave Kidneystones said the incident showed that the public could not be complacent about the possibility of people with no notable sporting ability being in their midst.

“The fact has to be faced that these people are out there. They’re generally unfit, they’re generally uncoordinated, they’re almost certainly not team players, and they don’t represent our most primal emotional and nationalistic urges.”

Police request members of the public who know of anyone without significant sporting ability to report it to their local constabulary forthwith.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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