Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search


ScoopSatire: Innovative US Environmental Scheme

Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

US Introduces Innovative Environmental Scheme

In a move that US officials hope will stem growing criticism of their governments’ refusal to ratify the Kyoto protocols regarding greenhouse gas emissions, the US Environmental Protection Agency has unveiled an innovative new plan that could see up to 10,000 new trees a year added to US stocks.

The scheme calls for the demolition of old wooden buildings, with the wood retained from demolition then being recycled in the construction of new trees which will be used as ‘carbon-sink collateral’ in future carbon-emission negotiations. Officials predict some 10,000 new trees per annum rolling off the construction line by 2003.

State officials announced that aviation company Mcdonnell-Douglas has been awarded the contract to build the trees. A company spokesdroid said that to ensure the commercial viability of the venture, the new tree, named the X-Pine 35, will have a dual-use capacity. This will involve giving the trees all-terrain wheel-bases, 500 horsepower engines, and medium-range missile launchers within their upper foliage. Negotiations are also underway with an undisclosed source for the trees to have soft-drink dispensers built into their trunks. The US army has ordered in advance 875 of the new trees, which they say will be deployed to ‘both beautify and protect US strategic and aesthetic interests at home and abroad.’

Some army officials are concerned however that the trees may be tempting targets for would-be attackers, and have requested Mcdonnell-Douglas to come up with a suitable camouflage scheme to ensure the trees blend in suitably with surrounding terrain. An alternative proposal being investigated is for the trees to be fitted out with sensor-dependent heavy machine guns which would fire automatically upon any unauthorised approach.

When informed of the plan, US President George Bush flopped onto the edge of his Oval Office desk, clapped his hands enthusiastically, and caught a fish in his mouth. Advisors say that the president has now caught eighteen fish in a row, a new presidential record.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>



Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>


Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>


Get More From Scoop

Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news