Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search


Satire: Growth "Not Worth The Bother" - Treasury

Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Leaked Treasury Report Suggests Economic Growth “Not Worth The Bother.”

‘Dance, dance, dance to my ten guitars’ concludes controversial paper

A secret Treasury report found down the back of a sofa of a tinny house somewhere in Aro Valley yesterday has caused eyebrows to be rasied after its conclusion suggesting that there's not much point in worrying about growing the New Zeal Inc. economy at more than roughly two percent a year, mainly because it "would be just too much fucking fuss basically, and would really only make the rich richer, the poor more stressed, and the chattering classes even more hopelessly pretentious and unbearably upbeat than they already are."

The report states that while the Government has spent the last eighteen years trying to motivate Kiwi's into self-reliance and entrepreneurialism, the fact remains that it's just not working.

"Successive government's have tried to push [New Zealers] into prosperity, pull them into prosperity, starve them, scare them, and shame them into prosperity. And have they listened? To the 4.45 from Addington maybe, but sod all else. It is therefore the recommendation of this report that, hey man, maybe they've been right all along. Maybe economic growth is simply not worth the bother."

In response to Dr. Michael Cullen's espousal of trying to get New Zealand back into the top half of the O.E.C.D.s Rich List, the report takes a good hard look at the cause of the prosperity of the counties already there.

"I mean," writes the so far anonymous writer of the report, "Ireland! For fuck's sake mate - Ireland! The whole country's financed by European Union Agricultural subsidies, and ripped off repeatedly by the rich and influential to bolster up their bullshit hi-tech boom. No wonder they're all permanently half-pissed. And Norway, don't tell me about Norway! They're only rolling in it because they've got half the North Sea Oil Fields. Switzerland and Luxembourg? Financed by their dirty banking system, money laundering, numbered bank accounts for African Dictators and corrupt businessmen. All in all a bunch of blue eyes Euro-sluts. The Americans? Utterly fucked country and then some, a bunch of pyschotically violent bible-bashers invading other countries to protect their investments left right and centre. As soon as we get a dozen aircraft carriers, some lasers in space, and turn our country into nothing but an enormous mall and arm our kids with semi-automatics then we can be as rich as the Yanks, no wucken forries. Australia and Canada? Who gives a fuck? Not me son. Both the size of a continent with bloody nobody in them. Nothing but psuedo-Yanks anyway. Impossible for them to be poor. Sweden? Made their money out of selling iron ore to the Nazis. Japan? Do we really want to work that hard? Think about it. I'd stick a sword in my guts too if that was my lot. Latin America's completely rooted, nothing happening there except one long extended flush. We could however do with a bit more of their cocaine."

The report went on to praise the economic vision of the Pacific nations of Samoa, Tonga, and the Cook Islands as "ideal role models" for a re-prioritised New Zeal economy.

It concluded: "It is thus the final recommendation of this report that everyone should kick on back with the fattest, greenest, bud they can find, crack open a cold one, and dance, dance, dance to my ten guitars."

Officials say that the writer of the report is no longer employed with the Treasury, and has since moved into a role at the Ministry of Social Development.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


27-29 Sept: Social Enterprise World Forum Live Blog

1600+ delegates from more than 45 countries have came together to share wisdom, build networks and discuss how to create a more sustainable future using social enterprise as a vehicle. Attending the Forum were social enterprise practitioners, social entrepreneurs, policy makers, community leaders, investors, activists, academics and more from across the globe... More>>

HiveMind Report: A Universal Basic Income For Aotearoa NZ

Results from this HiveMind suggests that an overwhelming majority of Kiwis believe that due to changing circumstances and inefficiencies in the current system, we need a better system to take care of welfare of struggling members in our society. More>>


Scoop Hivemind: Medical Cannabis - Co-Creating A Policy For Aotearoa

Welcome to the fourth and final HiveMind for Scoop’s Opening the Election campaign for 2017. This HiveMind explores the question: what would a fair, humane and safe Medical Cannabis policy look like for Aotearoa, NZ in 2018? More>>


Lyndon Hood: Notes On National’s Election Campaign, In Poem Form

Nationyl’s bitumen-ing / As they du du / Seed groweth / River floweth / Then ‘dozer drives thru / Highway ensu. More>>