Scoop Satire: Englitch Has Shit Kicked Out Of Him
Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.
Bill Englitch has shit kicked
out of him
to raise public awareness of Bill
Nationill party leader Bill Englitch had the living shit kicked out of him today as part of a nationwide campaign to raise public awareness of Nationill party leader Bill Englitch.
A larger mob of volunteers assaulted the opposition leader with a frenzied barrage of punches and kicks to the body. Englitch, who disappeared quickly beneath the blows enthusiatically admistered to him, and despite losing several teeth and suffering severe facial and internal bleeding, remained upbeat, saying that the opportunity to physically assail him showed that the Nationill party was "on the right track to making significant connections with ordinary New Zealers."
While some have decried the event as a blatant publicity stunt brought about by PR consultants with significantly less than half a fucking clue, Englitch remains adamant that low public awareness of his polling status in the 'Preferred Prime Minister' stakes was a cause too tragically heart-rending to ignore.
Those who had volunteered to assault Englitch noted a certain lightening in their attitude towards Englitch and the Nationill party. One man, who had lost his job, his wife, and his teenage daughter who committed suicide during the time of the Mother-of-all-Budgets, said that the opportunity to beat the crap out of Nationill's current leader signified "a time to begin the healing process after the betrayal of the nation."
Certainly the healing process was foremost in Englitch's mind as well as he recieved a series of emergency blood transfusions.
However, reactions such as these seem certain to encourage Nationill campaign strategists as they seek to counter the high popularity of incumbent PM Helen Clurk. One said that plans were been undertaken to arrange a countrywide tour in the months leading up to the election, so that people from across New Zeal would have an equal chance to kick the living shit out of Englitch as gleefully as those who took part in the festivities here today. Englitch described himself as "raring to go" before lapsing into a coma.
Also present at the beating was Nationill President Michelle Bog, who praised Englitch for "his willingness to go out of his way and make a complete dork of himself."
Bog then called upon assistants to place Englitch back inside his packing crate, nail it shut, and ship him out.
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at email@example.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.