Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search


Scoop Satire: English PM Has Hand Cut Off

Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

English PM has hand cut off for stealing chicken

English Prime Minister Tory Blair’s current tour of the Middle East, his second in an attempt to maintain support for the War on Terrorism coalition, received a literally crippling setback when his right hand was cut off for stealing a chicken from a market in the Saudi capital of Riyadh yesterday.

Witnesses said Blair was being guided through the marketplace when he broke free from his escorts and grabbed a chicken belonging to local merchant Said El-Sabah, 43.

“Cor blimey – I’ll ‘ave a bit of that!’ Blair exclaimed before breaking the fowl’s neck and displaying it to his horrified hosts.

His last words before being seized were “Luverly jubberly eh lads?” A piece of sackcloth sodden with sheep entrails was then tied around his head prior to his transportation in the back of a horse-cart to a local police station. Small children laughed and pelted the English Prime Minister with rotten fruit and vegetables on his way to getting his hand hacked off with a shining scimitar.

Blair seemed to take the amputation in his stride, however, appearing relaxed and cheerful in talks with the Saudi royal family later that afternoon, and cheerfully waving his bloody swathe to a good natured crowd that had gathered to call for eternal hell to be visited on western democracies. His only gaffe came when he proffered his dripping stump to the Saudi Minister of Nepotism during a photo shoot.

He later downplayed the incident saying “It’s a fair cop Guv– but New Labour’s to blame.”

Sources close to Blair say that he was so encouraged by the consequent boost in his poll ratings back in Britain after the incident that he is considering having his left hand hacked off in time for the next election.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>



Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>


Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>


Get More From Scoop

Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news