Scoop Satire: Captain Ahab Named On CHP List
Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.
Captain Ahab Named On Christian Coalition Party List
An ex-ship’s captain with a wooden peg-leg and extensive maritime experience was the big surprise when the Christian Coalition announced its party list in Wellington today.
Party leader Graham Capillary said that Captain Ahab would be placed at number 5 on the party list, saying that his “professionalism, work ethic, and sense of moral fortitude based on Christian faith” would be a huge boost for the party as it led into the election. His portfolios will include whaling and youth affairs.
Ahab originally hails from Nantucket. After a lengthy career in the fisheries, he disappeared in a seafaring accident and was presumed drowned. In 1973 however he reappeared and soon after emigrated to New Zeal, citing ‘obsessional interests’ as his reason. In 1978 he was granted citizenship.
A press conference was held immediately after the Christian Coalition list release, where Captain Ahab alluded to the sense of pride and responsibility the high list position had given him, saying “I feel deadly faint, bowed, and humped, as though I were Adam staggering beneath the piled centuries since Paradise. God! God! God! Here, see; someone thrusts these cards into these old hands of mine; swears that I must play them & no others. And damn me but thou speakest right - Live in the game & die it!”
He was adamant that while the Labourious Party may have a clinch on the upcoming election, opposition parties are targeting the electoral battle in 2005 as the real focus.
“Believe ye, man, in the things called omens?” said Ahab. “Then laugh aloud, and cry encore! For ere they drown, drowning things will twice rise to the surface; then rise again, to sink, for evermore. So with the Prime Minister; two elections she’s floated – but 2005 will be the third. Aye man, she’ll rise once more – but only to spout her last!”
Captain Ahab also addressed criticisms that his relatively advanced years, (if delivered to parliament, he will become it’s oldest ever member at 189 years of age), may discourage some voters.
“Ahab is for ever Ahab, man. This whole act’s immutably decreed. ‘Twas rehearsed by thee and me a billion years before this election rolled. Fools! I am the Fates’ lieutenant. I act under orders. My God, stand by me now!”
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.