Scoop Satire: Cloned Newsreaders Go On Rampage!
EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.
Cloned Newsreaders Go On Rampage!
Terror struck in Lower Hutt yesterday afternoon when cloned newsreaders and continuity announcers escaped from NZTV’s top-secret bio-engineering laboratories in Avalon, the former NZTV building.
Police say some thirteen clones in all escaped the holding cells beneath the building and then proceeded to harass, and, in one case, assault inhabitants of the Avalon suburb.
Authorities were first alerted to the escape after a John Cumpball clone physically assualted a young boy picnicing with his parents in Avalon Park. Witnesses say the clone approached the family as they were settling down to eat.
“At first we were delighted” said Mary Throcket, mother of the 11 year old boy. “Personally I’d always preferred 3 news. He started talking about how the media were in fact structurally biased, and how he saw his role as working within the system to try and subvert that bias to bring the people of New Zeal Inc. quality, objective journalism that represented their concerns. Which was fine, but then Timothy - who’s quite a precocious lad - called him just another talking-head corporate-whore with a guilty conscience because he can’t resist the salary, at which point the clone grabbed Timothy by the eyes and mouth and began swinging him around above his head screaming “I’m honest John! I’m honest John! I’m honest John!.” That’s when we noticed the socket in the back of its neck.”
The Cumpball clone flung aside the boy - who remains in a critical condition - and stalked off smiling reassuringly to itself. Meanwhile the Throckets immediately contacted police, who informed NZTV scientists of the outbreak.
While most of the clones were captured without harm either to themselves or to officials, police admit there were some anxious moments.
"We managed to catch the bulk of the clones by first distracting them with multiple lifesize photographs of themselves, which induced in the clones a kind of stupefied trance, while simultaneously opening a new round of wage negotiations. Suitably distracted, it was then a relatively simple matter to take them from behind and apply a series of kicks until they gained a bloodied state of unconsciousness." said Lower Hutt constable Sam Kidneys.
The most difficult to catch were reportedly the two Appauling Holmes clones - part of NZTV's plan for a 'Multiple-Holmes Capacity'- who were tracked down to the Lower Hutt shops where they were purchasing all the remaindered Holmes' CDs and autobiographies. Police initially held back from apprehending the two Holmes for fear of possible interviews. However, this hesitation allowed the two Holmes' eyes to meet across a busy street, leading one Holmes to remove his underwear and present it to the other Holmes. During the consequent steamy and passionate encounter between the two Holmes', police made their move and safely managed to beat the clones into quivering, twitching, pulpy submission.
Meanwhile tragedy struck in Auckland where police, on the alert for any potential Auckland-based clones on the loose, accidentally shot and killed newsreader Richard Dong as he walked peacefully along a beach while dolphins splashed and played in the nearby shallows and a vast menagerie of furry little animals followed him along his calm, imperturbable way. Police say that Dong repeatedly refused to halt, and at one stage called out "I'm just off for a quick round", while waving a golf club in their direction from a mere 55 metres away, thus leaving them with no choice but to shoot him 137 times.
NZTV spokesperson Audi Ripley said the company "deeply regretted" the escape and would be looking seriously into its causes. "NZTV is committed to maintaining high standards of newsreading professionalism. It was this constant striving for quality that led us to set up the NZTV bio-engineering department as we sought to create the perfect newsreader. Tragically, this has had unintended consequences - a humbling lesson for us all in these uncertain times"
"On the bright side though! As a token of our esteem for Richard, and as a gesture of compensation to his family, we are pleased to present to you all the newly completed Richard Dong android!" she said to applause.
The Dong android walked stiffly forward and said "Good evening and here is the nenngh...nenngh. Good evening and here is the nenngh...nenngh. Malfunction-Malfunction- Malfunction" before exploding.
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at email@example.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.