Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search


Scoop Satire: Agents Arrested Breaking Into SIS

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

SIS Agents Arrested Breaking Into SIS Offices
Security Service Accidentally Classifies Itself A Threat To National Security

Questions about the mental competence of the nations highest intelligence unit are being raised after three Security Intelligence Service officers were caught while breaking into their own offices in Wellington early this morning.

Furthermore, the three officers, as yet unnamed, were discovered after they themselves had contacted local police via cellphone on the discovery that the offices had been broken into and that the intruders were still present. Police say the men were in a state of “some confusion” upon their arrival.

Just how the three came to illegally enter their own premisses has not been officially confirmed. However police sources suggest that it may have been the result of a computer error. ‘Little Brother’, the SIS’s database, routinely screens all known groups in New Zeal with political affiliations. When the computer strikes a group that may pose a threat to public security - ie one that may use obtrusive surveillance methods to undermine individual rights of free speech and the right to hold any political belief so long as it harms no other, or indulges in activities that may hamper the evolution of an equitable global society - then the group is identified to SIS officers who may undertake any measures considered necessary to gain full knowledge of the group’s activities.

The possibility that the computer may have inadvertantly identified the SIS itself has been put down to the machines lack of any inbuilt ‘Hypocrisy’ mechanism.

Police say that the three agents had recieved the address of the SIS offices while working at the SIS offices. After recieving official clearance from ‘Q’, they had left the compound by car and parked outside the gate until the final staff had left for the night.

The three used keys to open the gate, then cut large openings in the wire fence to cover their tracks. At a side entrance to the building they failed to open the lock with their keys, so instead burnt down the door before fully lighting the darkened premisses.

Video-footage of the officers actions caught on security cameras was shown to reporters. After securing all exits, the officers began ransacking desks and files for information on any potentially illegal activites. At one point officer ‘A’ looked up and said: “Holy shit. I know this place. I was here earlier tonight - Christ, this is the SIS building!”

Officer ‘B’ then replied: “But - holy shit -we are the SIS!”

“Then someone’s breaking into our offices!” said officer A. “Holy shit! Someones been through my desk!”

Officer B then suggested getting police reinforcements to deal with the intruders. Officer A said they should first try and ascertain how many intruders were present.

“I think I heard someone in the next room” said Officer B. Officer C then came in from the room Officer B had indicated saying that he thought he had heard voices.

(Officer A): “How many?”

(Officer C): “Not sure. Two, I think.”

(Officer B): “And we heard one in where you were.”

(Officer A): “That makes four of them.”

(All together): “Holy shit!”

Officer B then used his cellphone to call Wellington police who arrived on the scene within minutes. In the interim the three officers had activated the water-sprinkler systems and begun throwing water throughout each room to combat the possibility of the intruders possessing the power of invisibility.

SIS head ‘Q’ said that the incident raised questions of the rights of top-secret intelligence services to be free from harassment from top-secret intelligence services.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Jan Rivers: The New Zealanders Involved In Brexit

There are a number who have strong connections to New Zealand making significant running on either side of the contested and divisive decision to leave the European Union. More>>

Rawiri Taonui: The Rise, Fall And Future Of The Independent Māori Parties

Earlier this month the Māori Party and Mana Movement reflected on the shock loss of their last parliamentary seat in this year’s election. It is timely to consider their future. More>>

Don Rennie: Is It Time To Take ACC Back To First Principles?

The word “investing” has played a major part in the operations of the ACC since 1998... More>>

Using Scoop Professionally? Introducing ScoopPro

ScoopPro is a new offering aimed at ensuring professional users get the most out of Scoop and support us to continue improving it so that Scoop continues to exist as a public service for all New Zealanders. More>>