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Top 10 Reasons I Quit Being A Human Shield In Iraq

Top 10 reasons I quit being a human shield in Iraq

1. Couldn't find a Starbucks, a Country Road, let alone a vegan restaurant in downtown Baghdad.

2. My first job was to wipe the blood splatters off the walls at the Ministry of Torture.

3. I was sent home after testing positive for performance-enhancing falafel.

4. I started to miss National Radio because the local radio stations weren't anti-American enough.

5. I got suspicious when I was assigned to a mosque where the minaret was referred to as "the launch pad".

6. I got sick of letters from Keith Locke telling me how excited he was when he met Pol Pot.

7. I was unsure about my posting to the Baghdad Teddy Bear and Anthrax Corporation.

8. I was humiliated by losing to female human shields in the moustache-growing competition.

9. Nowhere in Baghdad can make a decent flat white.

10. No fancy reason - I was just scared shitless.

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