Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

Saddam: For $30 Billion, I Will Attack Myself

SADDAM: FOR $30 BILLION, I WILL ATTACK MYSELF
Bush Calls Upon ‘Coalition of the Willing to be Bought’


By Andy Borowitz
http://www.borowitzreport.com

In a stunning development, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein today offered to attack himself in exchange for $30 billion from the U.S. government.

The surprising offer came in a day when President George W. Bush exhorted America’s allies to join what he called “a coalition of the willing to be bought.”

Speaking to a group called the Veterans of Foreign Investments, the President said, “It is time for each of our allies to look deep within and ask this question: Who wants to be a billionaire?”

The President reminded the allies that since the Turkish legislature had turned down the U.S.’s request to base troops there for an Iraq attack, “Turkey’s $30 billion in prize money remains unclaimed.”

Moments after the President’s speech, French President Jacques Chirac made a surprise announcement of his own, saying that France would be willing to attack Turkey for $30 billion.

“France has no argument with the people of Turkey,” Mr. Chirac said. “But $30 billion is a lot of cake.”

But Mr. Chirac was soon upstaged by Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein, appearing on Iraqi national television to say, “For $30 billion, I will attack myself, and I will prevail.”

While some in NATO expressed optimism that Saddam’s proposal could avert a war with Iraq, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer was openly dismissive of Saddam’s offer to attack himself, calling it “a charade.”

“He’s telling the world that he’ll attack himself and he’ll prevail, but once he gets our money, he’ll attack himself and lose,” Mr. Fleischer said. “It’s just more of his double-talk.”

ENDS

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

27-29 Sept: Social Enterprise World Forum Live Blog

1600+ delegates from more than 45 countries have came together to share wisdom, build networks and discuss how to create a more sustainable future using social enterprise as a vehicle. Attending the Forum were social enterprise practitioners, social entrepreneurs, policy makers, community leaders, investors, activists, academics and more from across the globe... More>>

HiveMind Report: A Universal Basic Income For Aotearoa NZ

Results from this HiveMind suggests that an overwhelming majority of Kiwis believe that due to changing circumstances and inefficiencies in the current system, we need a better system to take care of welfare of struggling members in our society. More>>

ALSO:

Scoop Hivemind: Medical Cannabis - Co-Creating A Policy For Aotearoa

Welcome to the fourth and final HiveMind for Scoop’s Opening the Election campaign for 2017. This HiveMind explores the question: what would a fair, humane and safe Medical Cannabis policy look like for Aotearoa, NZ in 2018? More>>

ALSO:

Lyndon Hood: Notes On National’s Election Campaign, In Poem Form

Nationyl’s bitumen-ing / As they du du / Seed groweth / River floweth / Then ‘dozer drives thru / Highway ensu. More>>