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Saddam: For $30 Billion, I Will Attack Myself

Bush Calls Upon ‘Coalition of the Willing to be Bought’

By Andy Borowitz

In a stunning development, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein today offered to attack himself in exchange for $30 billion from the U.S. government.

The surprising offer came in a day when President George W. Bush exhorted America’s allies to join what he called “a coalition of the willing to be bought.”

Speaking to a group called the Veterans of Foreign Investments, the President said, “It is time for each of our allies to look deep within and ask this question: Who wants to be a billionaire?”

The President reminded the allies that since the Turkish legislature had turned down the U.S.’s request to base troops there for an Iraq attack, “Turkey’s $30 billion in prize money remains unclaimed.”

Moments after the President’s speech, French President Jacques Chirac made a surprise announcement of his own, saying that France would be willing to attack Turkey for $30 billion.

“France has no argument with the people of Turkey,” Mr. Chirac said. “But $30 billion is a lot of cake.”

But Mr. Chirac was soon upstaged by Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein, appearing on Iraqi national television to say, “For $30 billion, I will attack myself, and I will prevail.”

While some in NATO expressed optimism that Saddam’s proposal could avert a war with Iraq, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer was openly dismissive of Saddam’s offer to attack himself, calling it “a charade.”

“He’s telling the world that he’ll attack himself and he’ll prevail, but once he gets our money, he’ll attack himself and lose,” Mr. Fleischer said. “It’s just more of his double-talk.”


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