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Top 10 Messages On Saddam Hussein's Answer Phone

1. "Hi, I've always been a big admirer. Kia kaha. It's Keith Locke here."

2. "Mike Hosking here. Your hair always looks great - what product do you use?"

3. "Hi Saddam, Bill Clinton here. Can you please return my cigars? When I lent them to you I didn't think you'd actually smoke them."

4. "Hi, Sean Penn here. Pity you won't get to see the Oscars - I'll give you a posthumous mention if I get the chance."

5. "I'm thinking of getting some of those huge portraits done. Who's your favourite artist? Call me - Helen Clark - I'm in the book."

6. "Hi, John Howard here. I'm thinking of ordering some of those bunker buster bombs. If there's a break in the weather can you let me know if they work OK?"

7. "Dude, it's Nandor here. If you've got any of those big bubbly glass bongs going cheap. Give me a buzz."

8. "Yo, Saddam. Your homie Osama here. Listen dude, I know the forces of darkness are about to lay some heavy shit on you. If you need a place to crash, or just someone to share with, just give me a buzz. Peace, brother. And death to the infidels!"

9. "Hi, it's Trevor Moeke from Te Mangai Paho. Would you be interested in a new career in Maori TV?"

10. "Bon jour, Mr President. I'm just ringing to remind you to shred all the receipts for the, um, mechanical hardware we've supplied over the years... um, just in case things don't work out. But if they do, tres bon, can we up our oil contract? Au revoir, Jacques."

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