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Scoop Satire: Green Light to Children’s Crusade

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is proud to host the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Bush gives go-ahead to Children’s Crusade

US President George Bush has given the green light to a plan put forth by the foremost religious mystic within his administration, John Ashcroft.

The plan, which aims to break the deadlock ‘Coalition of the Willing’ troops are currently embroiled in, calls for up to 50,000 Christian children to march on Baghdad in unison, singing songs of forgiveness and repentance, until the Iraqi population, awe-shocked by the faith and purity of the children, fall to their knees and spontaneously convert to Christianity.

Bush and Ashcroft announced the plan from the foot of a mountain of used-tyres in the shamanic holy-lands of Arizona. Ashcroft, under a vow of silence, refused to comment on his plan, and turned to begin climbing the mountain of tyres at the end of the conference. Sources said he would remain at the tip of the mountain until God sent him an autographed photo of Itself.

Bush however, was confident that operation ‘Vengeful Love’ would significantly shorten the war – not that it needs to be shorter, because it’s all going exactly to plan, you understand. Oh yes, exactly to plan…

“Let it be known” said Bush, “That I so loved the world that I sent forth 50,000 of my nation’s children so that the recently-blinded may, if not exactly see again, at least hear of my Great Love, and find solace within my depleted-uranium mercy.”

Some military analysts remain sceptical, however, to the proposed tactical plan of advancing the children en masse. Retired trained-killer General Hancock P. Teeth believes that the potential of the children’s column being blocked is too great, and has called for ‘aerial insertion’ of the youthful, singing Christians.

“S’real simple” he elaborated. “We strap the little critters to rocket-proplulsion systems and fire ‘em into towelhead-land from offshore navy ships. They hit the ground singing to Jesus in downtown Baghdad and before you know it all them sandnigs will be lining up to buy Bibles from our follow-up forces. Hoo-hah!”

**** ENDS ****

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming print edition copies should contact the editor at or subscribe at the online home of the Babylon Express (including previous online articles) here on Scoop at: Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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