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Scoop Satire: McDonalds Launches Iraq Peace Plan

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is proud to host the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

McDonalds Launches Iraq Peace Plan

Following another failed assassination attempt on Saddam Hussein, once more based on CIA ‘intelligence’, in a manner clumsier and less creative even than failed CIA plots against perpetually re-elected Cuban leader Fidel Castro, an unlikely peace broker has stepped onto the world arena.

Rentagun officials are said to be “furious” at the loss of approximately 34 million dollars in Cruise missiles, plus untold millions in lost television advertising revenue worldwide as normal war-programming was suspended and pundits opined whether the Beast of Baghdad was actually dead or alive.

However, the glitch has opened a ‘window of opportunity’ for an audacious new plan.

At 3:42am GMT fast-food chain McDonalds announced a scheme aimed at breaking the US-Iraq standoff, after a multimillion dollar consultancy with pundit Thomas Friedman, originator of the specious Golden Arches theory, which holds that America will not bomb any nation which has unquestioningly opened itself to exploitation by American companies, and accepts its economic and political subservience to the empire.

"We just can't believe that any human being could harm another human being when they have shared the uniting experience, the sheer joy that is a Big Mac" spokesthing Alan Odear said today. "To know that you are dropping bombs on tastebuds, even heathen Mohammedan tastebuds, that have savoured the same special sauce, on a mouth that has known the succulence of our mystery beef patties, would certainly be too much for any God-fearing burger chomping good ol' boy to bear." Pausing dramatically, Odear continued "Were there McDonalds restaurants in Hiroshima or Nagasaki? I think not. What tragedy could have been averted through the glorious experience of the food of a McDonalds family restaurant?"

A desperate race against time has ensued as a Russian Sikorsky helicopter has reportedly been coopted to bring in a gigantic golden arched ‘M’ to sit astride a recently converted mosque in the centre of Baghdad. The question remains whether or not the arches will arrive ahead of the advancing coalition columns.

Odear refused to comment on allegations that exposure to McDonalds beef increased the chances of systematic contamination infecting the global population with streptococcal bacteria that would destroy the intestines and leave sufferers blind and mad.

US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfield looked generally nauseous and vomited when questioned by reporters about the viability of the plan.

**** ENDS ****

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming print edition copies should contact the editor at or subscribe at the online home of the Babylon Express (including previous online articles) here on Scoop at: Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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