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Scoop Satire: Decriminalising Whoring Your Soul

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is proud to host the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Parliament Set To Decriminalise Whoring Your Soul To The Dollar

Optimus Prime Helen Clark is the latest and most influential Member of Parliament to come out in public support of the proposed Corporate Prostitution Act currently in its second parliamentary sitting.

Speaking during yesterday's house proceedings, Clark said “I believe I speak for all New Zealanders when I say that a grasping want of wealth in the belief that it will somehow bring one happiness is the oldest of human desires.”

While there is no law against an individual selling their body, mind, and fleeting terrestrial existence to the highest bidder in return for undertaking any task required, no matter how demeaning, nor with any further thought to possible social ramifications of their actions, there remains what Ms Clark called “a guilty residue brought about long-ago by antiquated notions of egalitarianism and its subversive concepts of an equal distribution of wealth.” The Corporate Prostitution Act’s purpose, she said, “is to remove the stigma attached to whoring your soul to Mammon and his almighty dollar.”

The proposed act has not bitterly divided MP’s, led to passionate debate, nor divided party loyalties along conscientious lines. In fact, MP’s, with salaries beginning at $75 000 per annum, plus expenses, are more than happy with the current progress of the bill through the legislative chamber.

Highlights of the day’s speeches included ACT Party ‘leader’, Richard Von Plebble, giving a moving account of his own struggles with the moral fallout of publicly dedicating one’s existence to the accumulation of filthy lucre, fellow ACT member Deborah Coddled calling for the creation of a public index listing the names and addresses of all known collectivists, and Labourious MP Jonathan Huntly-Palmers demonstrating the possibilities of the bill for the common individual by squeezing 38 pieces of cheese into his mouth simultaneously. Huntly-Palmers was then washed down with wine and carried gently from the floor as fellow MP’s laid palm fronds before his processional while humming ‘By the Rivers of Babylon’. Sources say New Zealand’s longest serving MP was borne to a warm and pleasant leafy grove where he is expected to hibernate until October.

In a rare display of inter-party unity, MP’s from all parties came together on the floor of parliament to hug and shake hands after the bill’s second reading. They then joined together in song, delivering a rousing rendition of the Pink Floyd classic ‘Money’.

**** ENDS ****

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming print edition copies should contact the editor at or subscribe at the online home of the Babylon Express (including previous online articles) here on Scoop at: Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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