Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Babylon Express: Ask The Minister...

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is proud to host the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

ASK THE MINISTER...


Got a problem? Need an official answer? Ask the Minister, for the official Government answer to your problem...


****************

Dear Minister,

My husband is an absolute bore, especially when he has been drinking. He makes obnoxious comments, repeats jokes that aren't even funny, and talks at high volume. I've tried to tell him that I don't find this attractive, but he doesn't seem to hear me. What can I do to get him to change his behaviour?

Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated Wife,

Thank you for your letter relating to your family. The Government supports strong family relationships and has announced that the new Commission for the Family will be established by 1 July this year. The Commission will advocate for families generally, rather than on a case-by-case basis. Legislation to establish the Commission will be introduced to Parliament this year.

I hope this information is of use to you.

The Minister

****************

Dear Minister

My boyfriend keeps threatening to break up with me. I love him so much and I don't know what I would do without him. We've been going together for 9 weeks and 4 days. He's the nicest, cutest guy I've ever been with and all my friends think he's hot too. What should I do?

So in Love

Dear So in Love,

Thank you for writing to me with your concerns. The Government supports strong family relationships and has announced that the new Commission for the Family will be established by 1 July this year. In addition the Government amended the Property (Relationships) Act 1976, which provides for the fair division of property in the event of a relationship breakdown. Unfortunately, I do not believe that you fall within the scope of this Act at this point, but if you manage to stay with your boyfriend until you are over the age of 18, move in with him, share your finances and preferably have some children then, I am advised, you may fall within the scope of this Act.

Thank you once again for writing to me with your concerns.

The Minister

****************

Dear Minister

I'm in a lesbian relationship with my beautiful girlfriend and we really want to have babies together. My brother is willing to donate sperm to my girlfriend, which would mean our child would have the genetic heritage of both of us, but my mother thinks it sounds incestuous. Is it?

Ms Carpet Layer

Dear Ms Carpet Layer,

Thank you for writing to me with your concerns. The Government supports strong family relationships and has announced that the new Commission for the Family will be established by 1 July this year. I am advised by officials that if your brother has intercourse with your girlfriend that is not incestuous, but if he has intercourse with you, that is likely to fall within the definition of incest. While the Government did intend to legislate for most relationships via the Property (Relationships) Act, we had not yet considered legislating for the act of consensual sex between two adults.

Thank you for bringing this anomaly to my attention. I will raise the matter with my colleagues.

The Minister

**** ENDS ****

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming print edition copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com or subscribe at the online home of the Babylon Express (including previous online articles) here on Scoop at: http://scoop.co.nz/mason/features/?s=bex. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

Readers may also like to consider subscribing to the online email version in Free My Scoop.


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>

ALSO:

Buildup:

Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>

ALSO:

Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>

ALSO:


Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news