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Babylon Express: Ask The Minister...

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is proud to host the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.


Got a problem? Need an official answer? Ask the Minister, for the official Government answer to your problem...


Dear Minister,

My husband is an absolute bore, especially when he has been drinking. He makes obnoxious comments, repeats jokes that aren't even funny, and talks at high volume. I've tried to tell him that I don't find this attractive, but he doesn't seem to hear me. What can I do to get him to change his behaviour?

Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated Wife,

Thank you for your letter relating to your family. The Government supports strong family relationships and has announced that the new Commission for the Family will be established by 1 July this year. The Commission will advocate for families generally, rather than on a case-by-case basis. Legislation to establish the Commission will be introduced to Parliament this year.

I hope this information is of use to you.

The Minister


Dear Minister

My boyfriend keeps threatening to break up with me. I love him so much and I don't know what I would do without him. We've been going together for 9 weeks and 4 days. He's the nicest, cutest guy I've ever been with and all my friends think he's hot too. What should I do?

So in Love

Dear So in Love,

Thank you for writing to me with your concerns. The Government supports strong family relationships and has announced that the new Commission for the Family will be established by 1 July this year. In addition the Government amended the Property (Relationships) Act 1976, which provides for the fair division of property in the event of a relationship breakdown. Unfortunately, I do not believe that you fall within the scope of this Act at this point, but if you manage to stay with your boyfriend until you are over the age of 18, move in with him, share your finances and preferably have some children then, I am advised, you may fall within the scope of this Act.

Thank you once again for writing to me with your concerns.

The Minister


Dear Minister

I'm in a lesbian relationship with my beautiful girlfriend and we really want to have babies together. My brother is willing to donate sperm to my girlfriend, which would mean our child would have the genetic heritage of both of us, but my mother thinks it sounds incestuous. Is it?

Ms Carpet Layer

Dear Ms Carpet Layer,

Thank you for writing to me with your concerns. The Government supports strong family relationships and has announced that the new Commission for the Family will be established by 1 July this year. I am advised by officials that if your brother has intercourse with your girlfriend that is not incestuous, but if he has intercourse with you, that is likely to fall within the definition of incest. While the Government did intend to legislate for most relationships via the Property (Relationships) Act, we had not yet considered legislating for the act of consensual sex between two adults.

Thank you for bringing this anomaly to my attention. I will raise the matter with my colleagues.

The Minister

**** ENDS ****

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming print edition copies should contact the editor at or subscribe at the online home of the Babylon Express (including previous online articles) here on Scoop at: Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

Readers may also like to consider subscribing to the online email version in Free My Scoop.

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