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Scoop Satire: Wainuiomata Escapes!

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is proud to host the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Wainuiomata Escapes!

Hutt Valley suburb Wainuiomata was still unaccounted for this morning, despite intensive police efforts to recapture the renegade township after it escaped from its basin enclosure in a daring bid for freedom.

Police have been under intense pressure to return the town to its habitat before serious damage is done to people or property in the region.

The escape late last night was not discovered until this morning when the 12 busloads of social workers who tend to the town daily found the dwellings and residents gone. Police are still unsure how the breakout occurred without being noticed by other suburbs, but remain confident that the wayward town will be apprehended soon. Lower Hutt constable Sam Meathead, who is in charge of 'Operation Concentration Camp', appealed to the public for assistance concerning Wauinuiomata's location.

"So far we have managed to piece together a sketchy outline of the suburb's movements since last night." he said.

"We believe the point of entry into our green, peaceful Valley to have been the Waiwhetu area. After waking Waiwhetu with its rowdy behaviour, Wainui then got into a fight with Woburn, arrived at Epuni for a waterbong session, borrowed $60 off Waterloo, got into another fight with Fairfield, slept with Naenae, went and watched the rugby at Avalon (also borrowing $90 there as well as scoring some trips), before it was last seen shortly before stealing all of Belmont's cars."

"At this juncture, however, I'm afraid we have no further clues to the suburb's whereabouts"

While authorities are keen to see Wainuiomata found swiftly and safely, they did not issue any public warnings about possible danger in approaching the suburb if seen.

"Nah, Wainui's alright, mate", said Meathead. "Just don't be a fucking dickhead towards it and you'll be sweet as."

Despite such reassurances, in Wellington central the news of Wainui's escape has caused a widespread panic. Reports say that the suburb of Thorndon has left the lower north island region "on urgent business", while Kelburn has begun nailing up it's windows and hiding it's many expensive and pointless ornamental knick-knacks. Elsewhere Seatoun expressed concerns over whether the escape would have negative effects on local property prices.

**** ENDS ****

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming print edition copies should contact the editor at or subscribe at the online home of the Babylon Express (including previous online articles) here on Scoop at: Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

Readers may also like to consider subscribing to the online email version in Free My Scoop.

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