Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Terrorism Traders Take Huge Losses In Single Day

Terrorism traders take huge losses in single day of trading


Decision to close down Terrorism Futures Market leaves investors holding the bag.
Satire From http://www.freepressed.com/


It was mayhem on the trading floor when word came that the online Terrorism Futures Market would be shut down after only one day of trading. The CIA had little time to call off the coup and assassination plots designed to create an alternate source of revenue for the Agency.

Des Moines, IA.--Hubert Willard, 67, former deacon of the Crestwood Baptist Church, lost his life savings last week in search of a jihad jackpot on the Defense Department's short-lived and much-maligned Terrorism Futures Market.

Willard said he heard about the online futures exchange while having his ritual sausage and biscuit breakfast sandwich at Vern’s diner.

“I was looking through the paper during my morning constitutional and saw the headline about the online futures market,” said Willard, who now lives beneath an underpass on the outskirts of town. “I’m darn good with a crossword puzzle and I’m a wiz at jumbles, so I thought I’d probably be pretty good at predicting when the president of Syria would catch a bullet to the head.”

Some of the possibilities the online market offered for sale were the overthrow of the King of Jordan, the assassination of Yasser Arafat, and a missile attack by North Korea. Bidders would profit if the events for which they held futures occurred.


Hubert Willard of Des Moines, Iowa got in over his head when he predicted the second coming of Christ would coincide with the fall of Baghdad.

Logging onto the web site, Willard entered his name and began to make predictions on everything from the possible assassination dates of Middle Eastern leaders to when a red heifer would be born in Israel signalling the coming of Armageddon.

“I got cocky," Willard said. I should have stuck to what I know, which is chickens."

The terrorism futures exchange drew fire from Republicans and Democrats shortly after it was announced by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) and was quickly shut down. However, during the eight hours of trading that took place before it was taken offline, Willard, countless CIA spooks, and thousands of foreign policy wonks managed to lose their asses in the exchange.

"We had already hatched a scheme to plant WMD's in Iraq," CIA operative Hank Chalmers said. "It was going to be a bonanza for me. It was a sure thing until the politicians got involved."

Aspiring Palestinian suicide bomber Ahmed Saul Hamzi said he was planning on making millions of dollars for his family by predicting the exact time and place that he would blow himself up in a crowded Jerusalem market.

"I could have been in eternal bliss with my 70 virgins in heaven by now and my family could be living like kings if only the futures market would have stayed open just two more days," he said. "This is just another example of why America is the Great Satan."


Stock traders were giddy with anticipation for the next unspeakable human tragedy.

Overcome with forecasting fever, Willard cleared out his life savings and invested the whole $43,000 lump sum into the market.

“I knew there was no way that I could pay for it, but I just had a gut feeling that Crown Prince Abdullah was about to bankroll a terrorist plot against us American infidels,” he said. "I do read the newspaper, you know. I had better than even odds that was about to happen."

By five o'clock in the afternoon, on the very day it opened, liberal whining about the online terrorism futures market had grown to such a shrill pitch that DARPA was forced to abandon the idea.

"I am just outraged, outraged that this was even being considered," Sen. Tom Daschle (D-North Dakota) said. "I would even go so far as to call this proposed trade in terror outrageous."

But for those who hung their hopes on the exchange for a better life, its closing was a setback. Willard sat beneath the underpass, homeless and hungry, but still optimistic about his future.

“A fella' can make some pretty good pocket change if he knows the right corner to stand on. Hey, that ain’t a rat is it?,” he said licking his lips.

Contact freepressed@brentflynn.com to receive the weekly email edition of FreePressed.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>

ALSO:

Buildup:

Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>

ALSO:

Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>

ALSO:


Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news