WMD Report Delayed Until There Are WMD's To Report
Iraq WMD report delayed until Iraq Survey Group has WMD's to report
David Kay is awaiting delivery of WMD's from the United States to be used in upcoming "Iraqi weapons find."
Satire from... http://www.freepressed.com/
Current director of the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and former UN weapons inspector David Kay says his exenditure on a shipment of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons from the US was necessary to complete his report.
Baghdad --Fighting against time to come up with something to include in his status report regarding his search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, David Kay is taking the extraordinary step of ordering chemical, biological and nuclear weapons from American defense contractors and military stockpiles for use in a future "weapons find" photo opportunity in Iraq.
Kay said the resulting existence of WMD's in Iraq will give him material to use in his upcoming Weapons of Mass Destruction Report, which has already been delayed once for lack of a single shred of evidence.
Unfortunately for Kay, unlike the President, who has had the luxury of ignoring the fact that his primary justification for invading Iraq was bogus, weapons of mass destruction is the only subject to be covered in Kay's report.
"The realization that we haven't found any WMD's in Iraq was going to make it extremely difficult to write a report about all of the WMD's we've found in Iraq," he said. "We thought about just writing around it but then the report would only be like two paragraphs long."
Members of the Iraq Survey Group have been scouring the Iraqi desert for months without finding diddly squat.
Kay said after brainstorming for ideas with his team on how to overcome the gaping hole in the Bush administration's argument to invade and occupy a foreign country, only one idea stood out.
"We thought about manufacturing the weapons in Iraq but darn it if the UN weapons inspectors didn't dismantle all of the necessary weapons production facilities during their eight years there," he said. "Another idea was just to put some stickers on a bunch of oil barrells that read 'Toxic,' 'Poisonous,' and 'Prohibited Weapons of Mass Destruction proving that Bush was right all along.'"
Kay noted that at some point international inspectors would want to verify the find so that idea was out.
"It became increasingly obvious what we needed to do," he said. "Our last chance was to go shopping for WMD's at the international weapons superstore--the United States."
Upon hearing of Kay's plan, Bush administration officials hit the talk shows to renew their promise to the American public that Sadaam's weapons of mass destruction will be found.
"There is no doubt in my mind that those weapons are in Iraq and will be discovered by our very capable and professional Iraq Survey Group," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said. "In fact I'm feeling lucky today so I'm going to go ahead and make a prediction as to when they will be found."
UN Weapons Inspector Hans Blix has accused the Bush administration of perpetrating a fraud on the American people and the world as well as cutting short a sweet contract he had going with UNSCOM.
Rumsfeld proceeded to announce the exact time, date and place of the anticipated weapons find as well as the type and quanitity of weapons of mass destruction to be uncovered. News media were uninterested in how the defense secretary came upon that information.
"Rumsfeld's a smart guy. You can tell by the way he makes all of us reporters feel stupid when we ask a tough question," NBC reporter James Madner explained. "Consequently, we don't ask tough questions anymore."
As he waited anxiously for the shipment of prohibited weapons, Kay cautioned that even if his scheme works it will not explain some of the more ridiculous claims made by Bush and Cheney about Sadaam's weapons programs.
"Well, I can tell you that we won't be planting any unmanned aeriel drones," he said with a snicker. "And as for those Winnebegos of death, we'll just have to quietly ignore that claim. Besides, it's not like the American people were really dumb enough to believe that whopper...right?"
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