Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search


Congress Inquiry Finds That Cheney Is A Sleazeball

Congressional Investigation Finds That Cheney Is A Sleazeball

Vice President disrupts investigation with chit-chat about the final season of 'Friends.'
Satire From…

'Big Time' was sweating so bad on "Meet the Press" that he had to wipe his brow with a handful of Halliburton stock certificates (not shown).

Undisclosed Location --Vice-President Dick ‘Big Time’ Cheney has come under intense scrutiny for his ballsy out and out assertion on "Meet the Press" that he had no financial interest in Halliburton, the company that he ran from 1995-2000.

Cheney followed the boldfaced comment by wiping the sweat from his glistening brow with a share of Halliburton stock. Halliburton’s no-bid contracts in Iraq could make $7 billion for the Houston-based energy company.

At a Republican fundraiser earlier this month, Cheney was speaking to attendees when a pocket full of Halliburton stocks flew out of his coat and landed on the stage floor.

Shaken, Cheney recovered his composure and scooped the stocks off the floor and held them triumphantly over his head.

“That’s why I keep Halliburton stocks in my pocket to remind myself of the money that I could be making if I hadn’t had to put these suckers in a charitable fund while I’m VP. Of course if I should make a little bling-bling after Georgie and I get our asses kicked back to Texas and Wyoming respectively next November, that’s another matter completely.”

On Meet the Press, Cheney said that he had no ‘active’ financial interest in the company and had exerted no undue influence over whether the defense department awarded a contract to Halliburton.

However, the General Accounting Office has documentation that the vice-president received $147,579 deferred compensation in 2001 and $162,000 in 2002. He also owns a ‘sweet’ 33,000 in Halliburton stock options, which is set up in a charitable trust, called the ‘Dick Cheney for America’s kids’ fund.

Halliburton has a $7 billion no bid contract to repair Iraqi oilfields but Ex-CEO and current Vice President Cheney says he had nothing to do with it…bwaahhahahahaha!

The fund: (, claims to help the nation’s poverty-stricken inner-city children by finding them jobs as servants-in-training at various Republican campaign contributors’ homes.

Cheney, who is worth a reported $36 million, called the $147 thousand deferment ‘chump change’ and claimed to be surprised that their was a 'ruckus’ over such a ‘piddling’ amount.

When reminded that the average American only makes $30,000 a year, Cheney replied, “Not the people I hang around with.”

Margaret Adler, who serves as the vice-president’s spokesperson while at the same time serving as spokesperson for Halliburton said, “To make the leap that just because Vice-President Cheney used to serve as the CEO of Halliburton and now Halliburton has a $7 billion no-bid contract in Iraq is outrageous. Also, Halliburton denies it as well.”

Two of the vice-president’s most vocal critics have been Henry Waxman (D-Ca) and Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ).

“Dick Cheney is the King Kong of greedheads,” said Waxman. “You’d think a guy with an ailing ticker and a mound of cash a mile-high would want to help those less fortunate than him. But not Cheney, his pursuit of greed is legendary. He’d rather spend time greasing the palms of his cronies at Halliburton and once again proving how stupid he thinks the average American is.”

Just how stupid does does Cheney think the average American is…“Hey did you see the Friend’s season premier?”

“I strongly resent that anyone would insinuate that I have financial ties with Halliburton,” Cheney said. “And as for the average stupidity of Americans, hey, did you see the 'Friends' season opener?”

A befuddled 78-year Lautenberg retorted, “God, the 'Friends' stars are aging badly. Have you seen Matthew Perry, first he balloons up and then he’s skinny as a rail. He looks awful.”

The Justice Department has promised to look into the situation and see if Cheney has breached any ethics violations.

“Yeah, we’re gonna look into it,” John Ashcroft said, punctuating the statement with a giggle.

President Bush was stalwart in defending Cheney.

“Dick assured me he cut off ties with his old company and I believe him. Saying that Halliburton got the no-bid contract in Iraq because Dick used to be CEO is like saying that I only got to be president because my name was Bush and my daddy appointed those judges. It's just ridiculous.”


- Contact to receive the weekly email edition of FreePressed.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Using Scoop Professionally? Introducing ScoopPro

ScoopPro is a new offering aimed at ensuring professional users get the most out of Scoop and support us to continue improving it so that Scoop continues to exist as a public service for all New Zealanders. More>>

Don Rennie: Is It Time To Take ACC Back To First Principles?

The word “investing” has played a major part in the operations of the ACC since 1998... More>>

27-29 Sept: Social Enterprise World Forum Live Blog

1600+ delegates from more than 45 countries have came together to share wisdom, build networks and discuss how to create a more sustainable future using social enterprise as a vehicle. Attending the Forum were social enterprise practitioners, social entrepreneurs, policy makers, community leaders, investors, activists, academics and more from across the globe... More>>

HiveMind Report: A Universal Basic Income For Aotearoa NZ

Results from this HiveMind suggests that an overwhelming majority of Kiwis believe that due to changing circumstances and inefficiencies in the current system, we need a better system to take care of welfare of struggling members in our society. More>>


Scoop Hivemind: Medical Cannabis - Co-Creating A Policy For Aotearoa

Welcome to the fourth and final HiveMind for Scoop’s Opening the Election campaign for 2017. This HiveMind explores the question: what would a fair, humane and safe Medical Cannabis policy look like for Aotearoa, NZ in 2018? More>>