'Dittoheads' Dead After Overdosing On Oxycontin
47 'Dittoheads' Dead After Overdosing On Oxycontin
Many more feared strung out on the drug as unstable Rush Limbaugh fans attempt to emulate their exalted idol.
Satire from.. freepressed.com
CAPTION: Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio talk show host and vehement moralizer on the subject of drug addiction, admitted that he himself is "hopped up on ludes."
Nationwide-- In a tragic, unexpected consequence of Rush Limbaugh's admission on Friday that he is addicted to pain pills and has been for the last five years, 47 Rush Limbaugh fans, self-described "Dittoheads," have overdosed on Limbaugh's drug of choice, Oxycontin.
Known on the streets as "hillbilly heroin," OxyContin is prescribed to treat chronic pain. Abuse of this pain releiver, which has been linked to hearing loss, has grown increasingly common during the last decade. The number of oxycodone emergency cases increased nearly 36 percent from 1999 to 2000. Addiction is serious and overdoses much easier.
But why would someone try to copycat the abuse of this drug?
"Don just loved his Rush," explained Lucy Holmes of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, unaware of the double meaning of what she just said. "He'd always have his radio blaring Rush while he was tarring roofs, yelling 'Right on!' when Rush was takin' it to the liberals."
Mrs. Holmes showed the Holmes's library, a collection of Limbaugh's two books, the New Testament in New American English, and Don's high school senior yearbook.
CAPTION: Limbaugh, not satisfied with the smaller doses, demanded bigger and bigger pills until his dealer could only fit two to a bottle.
Mrs. Holmes looked at Don's picture.
"He thought that this oxy-whatever must have helped make Rush smarter and he wanted some himself."
Reportedly, Don called every housekeeper in Hattiesburg looking to obtain the pills that would soon take his life.
"I told her not to take so much," a teary John Johnson of Pittsburgh, PA choked out Tuesday. "But she thought if Rush can handle 10 of these bad boys a day, she could do at least five."
"Jeannie loved Rush so much. She started a campaign to
end the school lunch program in Pittsburgh public schools
calling them an "unearned entitlement" and proposed a free
market solution instead. She got laughed at by almost
everybody, but her autographed picture from Rush would
always lift her spirits."
Several factors have lead to this onslaught of overdoses.
Dr. Geoff Luttrell, psychiatry professor at San Francisco State University explained.
"There's a small percentage of people who agree with Rush Limbaugh 100% of the time. One hundred per cent! Most normal people don't even agree with themselves one hundred percent of the time!"
A gathering of Dittoheads show their support for mein Führer...er Rush, following his admission on Friday
Luttrell said Rush Limbaugh, strong persuader that he is, doesn't dictate what these people do.
"Well, no." Dr. Luttrell continued, "But a small minority of these listeners, have lost all ability to reason for themselves. They copy, or 'ditto,' Rush to a fault," he said. "They wear loud garish ties, smoke large cigars to compensate for inadequate genitalia, and attibute every murder in the District of Columbia to the Clintons."
Angry former dog owner Kirk Stephens still recoils from the shock of the violent death of Shasta, his two year old black lab, at the hands of Dittohead Lance Hutchinson.
"Not only did this idiot take Oxycontin to be like Rush, but he drove around in his car because that was the only place he had AM radio and could hear that fool's blathering," he said. "When the Oxycontin hit, he swerved onto the sidewalk and hit Shasta."
Stephens is pondering a lawsuit.
"When your listeners are so dumb that they'll buy Hooked On Phonics and Garlic Pills because they're advertised on your program, you need to at least show up the next day after you¹re busted and tell those fools not to take this crap."
This was not the first phenomenon of listeners imitating Rush¹s actions. In 1996 there was a sharp increase of marriages to women with the first name of Marta, also attributable to Rush.
- Contact firstname.lastname@example.org
to receive the weekly email edition of