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Top 10 Conditions To Be Imposed On Paul Holmes

Top 10 new conditions to be imposed on Paul Holmes

1. Holmes only to be served cappucinos or lattes - no black coffee.

2. TVNZ to rename his show to give multi-cultural appeal - now 'Te Holmes'.

3. While onscreen Holmes to wear a tiki the size of a dinner plate.

4. Titewhai Harawira to replace Susan Wood when Paul is off sick, stacking Mitsubishis or moonlighting as Precious McKenzie at Broadcasting Standards Authority hearings.

5. No unscripted references to Margaret Wilson as a Mirage, Tim Barnett as a Diamante or Parekura Horomia as a Magna. The Mitsubishi sponsorship is dead, Paul.

6. All telecasts to be made in black and white effective immediately, with severe penalties for any TVNZ staffers who fiddle with the contrast controls.

7. Blanket ban on Milky Bar advertising both sides of the 7pm timeslot.

8. Each night Ashraf Choudhary to present the weather forecast for Muslims.

9. Paul's apology to be rescreened on 'Edwards at Large' so it can be seen by four more people.

10. Paul to admit his "darkie" comments were beyond the pale.

Be brave and pass it on!

St Molesworth www.geocities.com/stmolesworth

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