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US & Israel Square Off In Occupations Death Match

United States and Israel square off in 'Dueling Occupations' death match

Winner of competition named 'Best Occupying Force in the West.'
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CAPTION: Five-man patrols from across occupied territories in the Gaza Strip and Iraq competed for the top prize during the two-day event.

Gaza/Baghdad--The first annual 'Dueling Occupations' grudge match between the United States and Israel took place over the weekend with the scrappy, young American team surprising the more experienced Israeli occupation force.

General Manager Dick Cheney and Head Coach Donald Rumsfeld came up with the idea for the occupation challenge late last year but did not have a team to enter into the competition until now.

“We were seeing how much fun the Israelis were having with their occupation of the Palestinian territories and we thought it would be neat if we had our own country to occupy,” Rumsfeld explained. "Oh sure, we had Afghanistan, but that is a minor league occupation. At that level of play you don't see the constant bombing attacks and outrage of large urban populations that you see at the Israeli's level."

Despite the relative inexperience of an American team that came into the competition with only a few months of experience in the full-scale occupation of Iraq, TeamUSA placed well in several categories, even taking the top spot in the 'collective punishment category.'

In an innovative twist on the Israeli tactic of bulldozing the homes of suicide bombers' families, American troops destroyed the crops of Iraqi villagers suspected of consorting with the enemy.

Above, an overturned US military vehicle burns after hitting a roadside bomb outside of Baghdad. Below, Palestinian investigators inspect an overturned vehicle carrying US officials in the Gaza strip. Three Americans died in the attack.

"You gotta love this American team," Retired General David Hackworth gushed. "They do a great job of setting up perimeters after bombing attacks , they come in with overwhelming force when conducting house-to-house searches and they definitely know how to put down a riot with an M-16. I think they're going to be a powerhouse in the coming years--especially if they can get a few more occupations under their belt in Syria and Iran before next year's competition."

One area where the Israeli team had a distinct advantage was in the category of settlements. While the Israeli government offers incentives to its citizens to move to settlements in the occupied territories, the United States has no such program.

Team USA owner George W. Bush said simply taking control of Iraq's oil reserves isn't enough.

"That's one of the areas we're going to work on in the off-season," he said. "For this to be a world-class occupying organization on par with what the Israelis have, we're going to have to convince Americans to move to Iraq and physically take possession of large tracts of the best Iraqi farm land. Will it be easy? No. Is it possible? We think so."

The most evenly matched event in the competition between the two western powers came in the 'inciting Muslim rage' category.

CAPTION: At times during the competition it was hard to tell which marginalized population was vowing revenge on what occupying power.

'Dueling Occupations' judge Ibrahim Peres explained the criteria used to score this action-packed event.

"First of all, you want this event to be conducted just before the Friday prayers. That's your best chance to get large numbers of Muslims in the street chanting down American infidels and Jewish devils," he said. "What we're looking for is a combination of militant Islamic extremism and impassioned nationalistic fervor. Also, every American or Israeli flag burned is worth five bonus points."

Notwithstanding the valiant effort of the inexperienced American team, when all the results were tallied Israel took first place overall.

Israeli Prime Minster Ariel Sharon took the opportunity to thank all who contributed to the success of the ocupation.

"I hate to say it, but without Arafat none of us would be here today accepting this award." he admitted. "This one's for the PLO!"


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