Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Satire: DLC Says Only Bush Can Defeat Bush In 2004

DLC says only Bush can defeat Bush in 2004


Defeatist, self-hating wing of the Democratic party to give Bush the
Democratic nomination.
Satire from…. freepressed.com


CAPTION: With its endorsement of George W. Bush as the Democratic presidential nominee, the DLC has completely given itself over to the dark side.

Washington, D.C.-- The Democratic Leadership Council (DLC), the conservative wing of the Democratic Party, has decided that the best person to run against President George W. Bush in the 2004 election is…George W. Bush.

“There are many liberal elitists who say that you can’t beat George Bush by being Bust lite and we at the DLC agree. To beat George W. Bush, you actually have to be George W. Bush,” said DLC Chairman Evan Baugh.

The conservative DLC has been dismissive of the eight-candidates vying for the party’s candidacy in particular Gov. Howard Dean of Vermont, who the DLC sees as potentially sounding the death knell for the democrats if he should win the party’s nomination.

“I’m sure he’s a nice but Dean’s head looks like a block of granite and when he smiles the guy looks like Dr. Kevorkian plus let’s admit that the anti-war thing doesn’t help. Americans love war,” Baugh said.

The DLC, whose past chairs include President Clinton, have taken a more conservative approach to addressing issues than traditional Democrats. In the last few months, they have released dire warnings about the party moving too far to the left.


CAPTION: At least Bush doesn't have to share stage time with Kucinich. .

At the January Caucus in Iowa and New Hampshire, the DLC plans on announcing that the Democratic candidate most likely to beat George W. Bush would be George W. Bush.
“We’ve already spoken with him and although he isn’t technically a democrat, President Bush said that he would be proud to carry our banner if he should win the nomination,”said DLC Vice-Chair Ellen Tauscher.

Asked about accepting the Democrat’s nomination Bush responded “That would be friggin’ cool.”

President Bush has already gone on the stump for the Democrats in the battle ground states.

“Another four years of President Bush would be dangerous,” President Bush said. “If you send me to the White House, I promise I’ll send the Washington lobbyists running with their tails tucked between their legs. Our president needs to go back to Crawford.”

Two hours later, at a Republican fundraiser, President Bush decried the class warfare tactics of his opponents.

“My opponent, Bush, claims that if he is elected President that he will lower taxes even further, well that sounds like fuzzy math to me,” he said to boisterous cheers.

The Democratic presidential candidates quickly went on the defensive to attack Bush as not having the credentials to take on Bush in the primary.


CAPTION: Jeb is counting on his brother's reelection to piggy back him to the White House. Dubya is counting on Jeb to 'deliver' Florida in 2004.

“He’s a rookie,” said Joe Leiberman. “Just because I’m short and Jewish the DLC doesn’t want me. Well, I have more conservatism in my little toe then this faker does in his whole body.”

General Wesley Clark responded that he had a full two months more of being a democrat than Bush did.

“I just don’t know if he has been a Democrat long enough.”

Gov. Howard Dean blew a gasket and challenged Bush to a bench pressing competition.
John Kerry rode up on a Harley, hopped off his bike to “No Surrender” and proceeded to tell the DLC to kiss his ass.

A national poll shows that Democrat Bush is beating Republican Bush by three points. General Wesley Clark is running 2 points behind that. Without the word General in front of his name Clark loses a full 23 percentage points.

Straggling at a meager 5 percent, John Edwards has decided to start calling himself General John Edwards.

Clinton’s people are working with Bush to give him wider appeal to minorities and labor voters.

“First of all, we got to cool you up,” Clinton said. “Have you ever heard 'Sketches of Spain' by Miles Davis? Dig on this for a while. Here’s a copy of 'On the Road' and we’ve got to do something about your hair, maybe a little duck tail. And cut the Jesus stuff. Nobody buys it when it comes out of your mouth. It makes you look crazy.”

Baugh is optimistic.

“I think we really have a shot at retaking the presidency with him as our candidate," he said. "Too bad another four years of Bush as president is sure to result in Armageddon. But at least we'll be in control when that happens."

Contact freepressed@brentflynn.com to receive the weekly email edition of FreePressed.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>

ALSO:

Buildup:

Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>

ALSO:

Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>

ALSO:


Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news