Satire: Shocker Of An Election, GOP Clenches South
In a nail-biting shocker of an election, GOP clenches South
Country stunned by good ol' boys' victory in 'bastion of progressivism'
Satire from… freepressed.com
CAPTION: The GOP's wheel of progress stopped rolling sometime in the mid-50's
Dixieland--The country was in a state of shock Wednesday morning after learning that the GOP had pulled off two stunning Gubernatorial victories in states that heavily voted for George W. Bush in the 2000 election.
“Oh my God,” said Political consultant Ansel Becker. “This is unbelievable. Who would have thought Mississippi and Kentucky would vote for a Republican Governor? Sure, Bush carried both states by 70% and they have been trending conservative since our country was founded, but still, this is unprecedented.”
All over the country, talk about the ramifications of the GOP winning the south was discussed.
“I can’t believe this,” said Marla Reed, a San Francisco resident. “I’ve always thought of Mississippi as being the last bastion of liberalism in the country. If it voted conservative, what does that mean for the rest of us in the 2004 election?”
At a carwash in Columbus, Ohio two attendants discussed the stunning victory that had occurred.
“To me the south, represents the ideas of tolerance, progression and inclusion, well except for the whole slavery, small-minded, bigotry thing,” said car wash attendant Amos Macphee.
Co-worker Carl Lyderson expressed confusion. “I have to admit this knocked the wind out of my sails. Everybody knows about the South’s record of being on the right side of history. Think of some of their great leaders like Jesse Helms, Trent Lott and Tom DeLay.”
In Mississippi, Republican Ernie Fletcher easily trounced Democrat Ben Chandler.
CAPTION: White, Republican 'volunteers' ensure that only the right kind of voters cast a ballot at last weeks gubernatorial election in Kentucky.
Although, Republicans found themselves in trouble after a memo leaked to two Washington newspapers, that claimed that African-Americans were “lazy, shiftless and ” and wouldn’t “get off their keisters to vote if the NAACP and the AFL-CIO weren’t stickin’ their nose in where they aren’t wanted.”
Danny Czerwondka, a long-time republican activist, wrote the memo to encourage white ‘volunteers’ to stand outside of predominately African-American voting precincts, just to make sure that nothing funny was going on.
“I’m just tellin’ it the way it is,” said Czerwondka. “Leave it to a bunch of crazy coons to get all riled up over nothing.”
Whooping and hollering, 59 white ‘volunteers’, rounded up from bars around town, fanned out across the West End and Newburg precincts.
“Lets get em’. Lets get those jungle bunnies,” said a drunken Devon Middleriff standing in the back of buddy Dale Archtick’s pick-up as it sped down the road.
The GOP ‘volunteers’ were accused of multiple counts of voter intimidation including videotaping voters as they entered polling places, demanding to watch voters cast their ballots and on four occasions physically accosting voters as they tried to enter to cast their ballots.
“Who says Jim Crow isn’t alive and well,” said NAACP head Kwesi Mfume.
“The Governor would never condone intimidating minorities as a way to gain higher office,” said Fletcher spokesperson Jordan Craine. “Okay, gotcha, he would.” Craine continued as the pressroom rolled with hysterical laughter.
Haley Barbour, former chairman of the Republican National Committee, won a tighter race in Mississippi against incumbent Ronnie Musgrove.
CAPTION: Barbour counts the minutes until he can take off the monkey suit and put on his white robe.
Barbour is the president of Barbour, Griffith and Rogers, the most powerful lobbying firm in DC.
“He’s the superman of lobbyists,” said industry analyst Daniel Fitzsimmons. “Imagine Haley bursting from a telephone booth, wearing a pair of tights with a capital L on his chest and you’ll get the idea. Barbour’s never ever turned down the money no matter what despicable ends it was meant for.”
"I know him,” President Bush said speaking at a fundraiser comprised of lily white Mississippians. “This isn't just your typical hot air. This is extra special hot air.”
Barbour came under fire when it was discovered that he attended a barbeque thrown by the Council of Conservative Citizens, a racist and anti-gay group.
“I don’t get what the problem is,” Barbour said. “Blacks love barbeque.”
A reporter asked Barbour, if he would have the photo removed that was prominently displayed on the CCC’s website.
"I don't care who has my picture," Barbour said. “If you want I’ll send the one of me wearing my Klan robes. Look ma, no hands.”
Meanwhile, Democrat Presidential Candidate Howard Dean came under fire for saying that he wants to be the candidate for guys with Confederate flags on their pick-ups.
Retiring Georgia Sen. Zell Miller (D) said on Meet the Press that “Dean knows about as much about the south as a hog knows about Sunday.”
Miller added “I’m tired of northerners thinking they can stereotype, Joe-six pack who hangs out in the Wal-mart parking lot, sucking on a bottle of bud because he doesn’t have anything better to do. That job is up to me, through my never ending folksy bullshit aphorisms.”
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