Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Satire: New Big Boom in Iraq - Jobs

New Big Boom In Iraq - Jobs


Satire By Harvey McKinnon

Last week George Bush made a secret visit to Iraq to announce the launch of a new employment program to put the people of Iraq "Back to Work."

Under the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein, the "Iraqi people did not have the opportunity to reach their potential", according to the U.S. president. Here is a transcript of his speech to American troops:

"My fellow Americans, we realize that the major reason we are being attacked by the Iraqi people is not because we are an occupying force trying to steal their oil. The real reason Iraqis are attacking us is that they have too much time on their hands. That is to say, if they had to work 14 hours days they'd have no time or energy to be lobbing rockets at our troops. That's why we are going to implement the 'Shock and Awe' Job Plan.

First, we will use a strategic Harvard model to determine job 'opportunities'. This model worked well in South Central L.A., which looks a lot like the heavily bombed parts of Baghdad.

"Then we will provide training with highly skilled U.S. Marine Sergeants and Starbucks management.

"First up in the job field: more employment in pumping oil into U.S. tankers. This highly paid job is the key to Iraqi reconstruction. They give us all of their oil and in return, we give them a blueprint of how to rebuild their country. Then they borrow the money from us to rebuild. It's been a highly successful model that has worked well for Argentina, Poland and Enron.

"There are so many other opportunities. For example, you would think that the dozens of Saddam look-a-likes would be unemployable, but nothing could be further from the truth. We have a plan. Once they grow back their mustaches (and our intelligence says they all shaved) then they can get jobs in the new Saddam and Sons Horror Museum. It's easy work. All they have to do is stand around like statues and every now and then jump out at Iraqi visitors and scream, 'I'm back.' Should be good for lots of laughs and, of course, there will be many jobs for ticket takers.

"Also, there is a great need for part-time people to clean the sand out of the fax machines in our tanks. Since we'll be there for a long time, this is a job with a future.

"There will also be a lot more jobs in museums for people to glue artifacts back together. This could provide years of employment for people with no education and no hope. And the constant glue sniffing won't damage their job prospects.

"And there are many arts and culture jobs. For example, in the past, sculptors could only work on Saddam statues. They now have many more creative opportunities. And personally I'm hoping one of them will do a statue of Donald Rumsfeld, saviour of the Middle East. Don deserves to be permanently set in concrete.

"Then there are huge opportunities for entrepreneurs, a word I will soon be eliminating from my vocabulary since I just heard it may be French. Our consultants will show people how to make T-shirts with catchy phrases like 'I got bombed in Baghdad' and 'They got bombed in Baghdad.' That'll be a big hit at U.S. fraternities, thus keeping Iraqis safe at home with their sewing machines and away from attacking US soldiers.

"Of course, there are a lot of jobs for can-do businessmen to serve the demand for previously banned products. Ordinary Iraqis have long been deprived of booze, porn, drugs and gambling opportunities. The potential job boom, and the corresponding addiction counseling series, will give a real boost to their economy.

"Then there are barista jobs at the 357 Starbucks to open next year in Baghdad. Big Al's Pork Palace, one of my Texas favorites, is also scheduled to invade Iraq. More jobs. And MTV plans an Osbournes-style series with the Iraqi Minister of Information's family, if we can get him to sign a contract.

"Did I mention cleaning up rubble? Many people, low skilled people, will be employed for the rest of their lives.

"So really, there's a lot of opportunities for people who want to work. And if we can't find jobs for every Iraqi who wants to work, maybe we'll import some to the U.S. They can replace immigrant workers from Mexico who, as you know, weren't on our side, I think."

***********

© Copyright 2003 Harvey McKinnon

- From Vancouver, BC Harvey McKinnon is an author, former television producer, and he once was the story editor on the Gemini award winning comedy series, CODCO. Email: Harvey@harveymckinnon.com


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>

ALSO:

Buildup:

Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>

ALSO:

Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>

ALSO:


Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news