Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search


Liberal Faces Conservative Relatives At Christmas

City-dwelling liberal faces bass-ackwards conservative relatives over Christmas

Conversation inevitably turns to God, guns, gays and why we're doing them sand-monkeys a favor by taking over their country.
Satire from…

Caption: Grandma gives the one finger salute to minorities, queers, liberals and anyone else she doesn't understand.

Beaver, OK.--The warm glow of the holiday season dissipated into a lump of coal in the stocking as the Hicks family of Beaver, Oklahoma spent their Christmas day bashing minorities, gays and liberals, according to Andrew Hicks, a political science major at Tulane University.

“The problem with negroes is that they think they know a lot more than they really do,” said Grandma Hicks, as she ladled a heaping spoonful of her famous mashed potatoes onto Andrew’s plate.

“Well, I’d rather work with a black person any day than a Mexican,” said Andrew’s uncle JW. “Cause if you don’t keep your eye on a wetback, they’ll slip off and hide. They don’t like hard work.”

The Hicks family comes together at Grandma’s house on Christmas day to celebrate the birth of Christ and goodwill toward humanity…and slam anything that is different than them.

“It’s just been that way my whole life,” Andrew said. “We get together for Christmas and instead of accenting the positive, my family would rather blame minorities and other second class citizens for their lot in life.”

Case in point, Andrew said, was his Uncle Willie.

“We bowed our head to say grace and my aunt Mina said a touching prayer about the rocky shores of life and how we should be thankful for everything that we had. Then Willie opens his mouth and said ‘I wish I could have been born black so I had all the advantages that they have in life.'”

Caption: After Christmas dinner, the youngens get some shooting practice--with adult supervision, of course.

Andrew’s girlfriend Kimmy came with him from New Orleans to meet his family.

“Andy’s cousin Danny asked me what my favorite TV show was and I told him 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.' He asked me why they had to flaunt the fact that they were ‘fags’ and why they didn’t call the show 'Five guys who make people over.' I don’t know what he thought I would say,” Kimmy said.

While Christmas music played in the background and food was being cleared off the table, conversation steered towards the war in Iraq.

“You know my problem with guys like Howard Dean is that he thinks there’s such a thing as a good Muslim. They all want us dead,” Uncle JW said.

“C’mon that’s not true,” Andrew said.

“All of ‘em,” JW said pointing at his nephew. “Every single one of ‘em wants us dead.”
“If it was up to me I’d go in there and bomb the bejeezus out of the whole Middle East,” said Andrew’s father Bill. “Take out the garbage all at once.”

Andrew and Kimmy spent the ten minutes arguing with his family and then the Hicks moved into the living room to watch football on TV.

Caption: Scenes such as this one are repeated across the country every Christmas as their liberal relatives cringe with embarrassment.

“I thought we could all relax and enjoy football but then my grandpa had to say that he doesn’t watch football anymore because there’s no more white people in the game and that set everybody off,” Andrew said. “I love my family and I know they have good hearts but it’s beyond me why they are so consumed with hatred towards minorities.”

Shortly after that the phone rang. It was Andrew’s cousin Debbie, a lesbian who lives in Las Vegas who hasn’t been back to Beaver, Oklahoma since her parents threatened to disown her.

“Hey,” Debbie said to Andrew over the phone. “How’s it going?”

“Same as always.”

When they finished their conversation, Grandma said “Tell Cindy, I’ll pray to rid the evil spirits of her body that have made her a lesbian.”

Not long after that someone broke into the liquor cabinet and everyone started drinking.
“Somehow, I imagine I’m not the only going through this during the holiday season,” Andrew said.

Contact to receive the weekly email edition of FreePressed.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Viva Scoop 3.0! Rounding Up 2018 And Looking Ahead

2018 has been quite a year for Scoop. We are so thrilled to have successfully met the funding target for the first stage of the ‘Scoop 3.0’ plan raising $36,000. This means we can now proceed with the planning phase for the delivery of this bold vision for a community-owned, participatory, independent newsroom... More>>


Gordon Campbell: On Whether Trump Is Likely To Be Impeached

‘Tis the season to be jolly, and for wrapping a plea bargain under the Christmas tree for all ye formerly merry, Trump-connected gentlemen... More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Australia’s Jerusalem “Compromise”

Morrison is a masterfully ignorant practitioner who finds himself in the arms of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu yet still keen to press the idea that international law is being observed. More>>


Gordon Campbell: On The Brexit & Huawei Clusterfudges

Come December 2019, the West’s social democracies could be gone through quite a few changes at the top. More>>


UN Rights Declaration At 70: We Are All Born Free And Equal

On Article 1 of the UDHR: Dignity is the foundation of all human rights. Human beings have rights, and should be treated with utmost care, precisely because each one possesses intrinsic worth. More>>


Gordon Campbell: On The (Delayed) Judgment Day For Theresa May

When under stress, British PM Theresa May reportedly eats peanut butter straight from the jar. Crunch time is looming... More>>


  • PublicAddress
  • Pundit
  • Kiwiblog