O'Neill To Enter Witness Protection Program

Somewhere in Canada-- Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill announced Wednesday that he would be undergoing plastic surgery and entering the Federal Witness Protection Program before he finds himself "sleeping with the fishes."

The extraordinary measure is necessary, O'Neill says, because of his recent criticism of Bush's presidency in which he likened the president to a "low-functioning baboon" taking orders from neoconservative Neanderthals in the administration.

"I never said that. That's a gross exaggeration of my words for comic effect," O'Neill protested.

But In a CBS 60 Minutes interview on Sunday, O'Neill revealed that President Bush believes the tax cuts are "money given away to rich people," the administration was hell-bent on invading Iraq from the first day of Bush's presidency, and the administration had a plan for divvying up Iraq's oil contracts after the invasion and occupation as early as March of 2001.

"I can't imagine that I'm going to be attacked for telling the truth," O'Neill said in what was either the most naive or politically cunning statement ever uttered.

The next day the White House announced that O'Neill was under investigation for leaking classified documents in the 60 Minutes interview and two days later a professional hit had been put on O'Neil's head, bought and paid for by the Office of the Vice President.

Caption: Looking back, President Bush wishes he would have slapped some sense into O'Neill when he had him within arms reach.

"My ticker skipped about five beats when I heard what O'Neill was blabbing about on national TV. I went through half a bottle of my nitroglycerin pills over that one." Vice President Dick Cheney said. "It sure would be a shame if something was to happen to him, say, oh I don't know, a piano should land on top of his head several times until he's dead."

O'Neill finally got the threa...hint and began back tracking on his earlier statements, saying that he would still vote for Bush even though the president lied about the tax cuts and was never serious about finding a peaceful resolution to the standoff with Iraq.

"Aside from the deception, the illegal war, and the fact that he wants me dead, I still like the Prez. One thing's for sure, he beats any of the sore loserman Democratic candidates."

But O'Neill's about face wasn't good enough for the administration and now he says he has been forced to take dramatic measures.

"Bush may be like a blind man in a roomful of deaf people, but I don't want any of his goons to recognize me. So I'm going to have some major, reconstructive plastic surgery done and become scarce."

The president said, as far as he's concerned, O'Neill is dead to him.

"Yeah, I'm missin' ya already," he said. "Don't let the door hit ya' where the dog shoulda bit ya!"

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