Kay Quits ISG To Focus On More Serious Endeavours

Washington, D.C-- Claiming that he is ready to search for things that he might have a better chance of actually finding, David Kay announced his resignation from the Iraq Survey Group, the 1,400-member team searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq,

Instead, Kay said he plans on focusing his energies on more realistic goals like finding sunken treasures and the key to perpetual youth.

Kay told reporters that at his age he cannot continue the hunt for such elusive and fanciful items as chemical and biological weapons in Iraq that were clearly found and destroyed by UN weapons inspectors more than 10 years ago.

“I don’t think (WMD) existed. What everyone was talking about is stockpiles produced after the end of the last Gulf War and I don’t think there was a large-scale production program in the 1990s. I think the best evidence is that they did not resume large-scale production and that's what we're really talking about," Kay said.

The former director of the ISG expressed disappointment that he came up empty handed after months of scouring the desert for even a scrap of evidence supporting Bush administration justifications for invading Iraq.

"What a big waste of time that was," he said. "But I'm putting all of that behind me. Now I'm much more interested in continuing the important work of the 16th century explorer, Ponce de Leon. I will be retracing his steps in a new quest for the fountain of youth."

Caption: Kay said this computer generated image of the lost city of Atlantis is more credible than all of the hyped intelligence the Bush administration used to make its case against Iraq.

Additionally, Kay explained that life is too short to go on wild goose-chases for phantom stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction when the lost city of Atlantis still remains undiscovered somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.

"As a scientist, I need to focus my efforts on projects with at least a snowball's chance in hell of being successful," he said. "Speculating about a fleet of Iraqi unmanned drones of death should really remain in the realm of make believe where it belongs."

On Saturday, a Bush spokesman said the administration stood by its assertions that Iraq had banned weapons at the time of the U.S.-led war, prompting howls of laughter from the White House press corps.

Bush, too, said he still believes that WMD's exist in Iraq.

"I also still believe in Big Foot, the Loch Ness monster and Santa Claus," he revealed
The president did not indicate whether or not he planned on invading and occupying Scotland and the North Pole.

"I haven't decided that yet. If the Scots would just hand over the monster, such drastic measures wouldn't be necessary," he explained. "As far as occupying Santa Claus's home base, I could use a new GI Joe action figure. Mine's all worn out."

Caption: Santa Claus's work shop has been under surveillance from US spy satellites ever since President Bush demanded new toys to play with.

Colin Powell visited the UN over the weekend with startling satellite images of what are believed to be Santa's workshops.

"If you look right here you can plainly see compounds that we know beyond a shadow of a doubt are being used for the production of toys for boys and girls that have been good all year."

In one of the more dramatic moments in the presentation, Powell held up a vial of white powder.

"As little as this container full of magic dust could turn a team of ordinary reindeer into wild-eyed, flying beasts raining projectiles made to look like Chritmas gifts down the chimneys of millions of American homes."

A taped message from someone claiming to be Santa Claus was released by Al-Jazeera on Sunday. In it, the voice said that a fresh round of gift giving will occur sometime in December of this year.

The recording ended with a cryptic statement.

"I'm gonna' find out who's naughty or nice. Ho, Ho, Ho!"

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