Satire: Can Kerry beat Bush?

Washington, D.C.-- John Kerry has regained frontrunner status after two decisive victories in Iowa and New Hampshire and five big wins Tuesday in Arizona, New Mexico, North Dakota, Missouri and Delaware--all by large margins.

Now boasting a double-digit lead in the polls heading into the remaining primaries, one nagging question remains: Can Kerry beat Bush?

Analysts agree on what a stupid fucking question that is.

"Can Kerry beat Bush? Hmm," Presidential Historian Jane Seymour let the question roll off her tongue in all its absurdity. "Well, let's see. Can our commander-in-chief choke on a pretzel, pass out, and bang his head on the coffee table? The answer to all of these questions is the same. Uh, hello. Yeah."

There are doubts, however. Democratic strategists admit that they are up against an incumbent president who has bankrupted the treasury, lost two million jobs, isolated the United States from its allies, and preemptively invaded and occupied Iraq to gain access to its huge oil reserves.

"Republicans eat that stuff up!" former Clinton campaign manager James Carville said. "Bush has really rallied his base."

Caption: While seldom seen wearing them in public, Bush is encouraged by his handlers to wear safety goggles when using pointy objects like writing utensils or silverware. Fortunately, Dubya rarely uses either.

Even still, Seymour said one of the things Kerry has going for him is the fact that he did not lie the country into a war in which more than 500 American soldiers had been killed.

"I can see voters, even some conservatives, getting kind of pissed off about that," she said. "Because usually when a president says he is going to invade a country to disarm it of weapons of mass destruction, it's better for him, politically, if he wasn't lying his ass off."

Indeed, interested observers note that other questions hang over the president's head in relation to intelligence issues, for instance, whether he has any or not.

"Did Bush not get enough oxygen as a fetus?" Alan Jameson of Tulsa, Oklahoma inquired. "It just seems like sometimes when he has that dopey looking grin on his face that all of his neurons aren't firing."

All of these criticisms of the president bode well for Kerry, who, by all accounts, is able to enjoy snacks without the assistance of an emergency medical team.

Another feather in Kerry's cap is his distinguished career in public service, first as a decorated Vietnam veteran and then as a respected Senator.
George Bush also served his country bravely during the Vietnam war as a member of the Air National Guard in Alabama, although his superior officers can't remember ever seeing him on duty.

Caption: Above, John Kerry, decorated Vietnam veteran. Below, George W. Bush, frat-boy cheerleader.

President Bush's first foray into elected office came by accident on a trip to Cancun with his fraternity brothers.

"I got so toasted one night that they all unanimously elected me to be the mayor of Margaritaville," he said. "Many of the responsibilities of that office prepared me for my role as leader of the free world...like giving orders to foreigners."

Still, Kerry may not be able to escape the "Massachussetts liberal" label sure to be used against him by the Bush/Cheney reelection campaign should he win the nomination.

Millions of Fox-watching Americans have bought into the idea that "liberal" is synonomous with "communist" and Massachussetts is the Socialist epublic of East Coast Elitism.

Nevertheless, experts say that is better than the alternative--a "Lonestar Loser."

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