Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search


Satire: The Most Evil Meets The Most Holy

The Most Evil Meets The Most Holy

In ceremony at the Vatican, Vice President Dick Cheney presents Pope with black dove.

CAPTION: Cheney's black, cold heart raced in the presence of the holy one.

Vatican City-- The most exalted holy one met the prince of evil at the Vatican last week.

Vice-President Dick Cheney was on a save-his-ass tour of Europe as rumors abounded that the former Halliburton CEO and Wyoming Senator was on the skids with the Bush administration.

Cheney who has been out of the public spotlight for the last year is rumored to be on the way out after having become a liability for the president.

"George has been cold to me the lately. I was making a cup of coffee last week and I saw him and Condi Rice, whispering and pointing at me," Cheney said.

The Vice-president said that he was taking his morning constitutional when he heard Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld discussing him as they preened in front of the bathroom mirror.

"Collin was like 'I kind of feel sorry for Dick' and Donald was like 'I don't. Big Time is a grade-A asshole,'" Cheney said.

The Vice-President immediately booked a three-day whirlwind tour of Europe hoping that he could repair some of the damage done by the Bush administration when they pissed on their allies before the Iraq war.

CAPTION: Big Time overheard Rummy and Powell talking about him getting canned while taking his morning constitutional.

Cheney attended a World Economic Forum in Davos and later visited with the Italian parliament.
The decision to meet with the Pope was made off the cuff.

"We were driving around Italy and I thought it'd be a hoot to drop by the Pope's and rap with him. Maybe, if George sees that he won't dump me," Cheney said.

He stopped by a gift shop and bought a black dove to represent war and then he rolled up to the front of the Vatican.

Dressed all in black with the air of an undertaker, Cheney knocked on the gates of the Vatican, which was opened by a weak pope.

"Yes," the pope said.

"Here I brought you this," Cheney said, shoving the brown paper bag that covered the black dove into the pope's gut.

An enfeebled pope told Cheney that in a world "marked with conflict and injustice" it is important that all nations seek international cooperation and work for peace and respect."

"But when they don't we can whip their ass, right?" Cheney asked.

CAPTION: Cheney recounted his harrowing brush with holiness on Meet the Press.

"The American people have always cherished the fundamental values of freedom, justice and equality," the Pope mumbled.

Head back, Vice President Cheney had already fallen asleep.

Ten minutes later, James Nicholson, US ambassador to the Vatican, woke the vice president.

"Is it time to split? Nobody told me the Pope was such a long-winded bore," Cheney said.

Pope John Paul attempted to hand Cheney a pair of rosaries but the vice president threw his hands over his face and hissed.

"Uh, I'll pick those up later," Nicholson said.

Contact to receive the weekly email edition.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


27-29 Sept: Social Enterprise World Forum Live Blog

1600+ delegates from more than 45 countries have came together to share wisdom, build networks and discuss how to create a more sustainable future using social enterprise as a vehicle. Attending the Forum were social enterprise practitioners, social entrepreneurs, policy makers, community leaders, investors, activists, academics and more from across the globe... More>>

HiveMind Report: A Universal Basic Income For Aotearoa NZ

Results from this HiveMind suggests that an overwhelming majority of Kiwis believe that due to changing circumstances and inefficiencies in the current system, we need a better system to take care of welfare of struggling members in our society. More>>


Scoop Hivemind: Medical Cannabis - Co-Creating A Policy For Aotearoa

Welcome to the fourth and final HiveMind for Scoop’s Opening the Election campaign for 2017. This HiveMind explores the question: what would a fair, humane and safe Medical Cannabis policy look like for Aotearoa, NZ in 2018? More>>


Lyndon Hood: Notes On National’s Election Campaign, In Poem Form

Nationyl’s bitumen-ing / As they du du / Seed groweth / River floweth / Then ‘dozer drives thru / Highway ensu. More>>