Satire: Bush Investigates Self Finds No Wrongdoing
Bush investigates self, finds no wrongdoing
President's one man, blue-ribbon panel clears Bush of misleading the nation--but some Democrats remain skeptical.
Satire from… freepressed.com
Caption: President Bush is captivated by his reflection in the mirror, much like a discredited president caught in the spotlight.
Oval Office-- After a hard look at himself in the mirror on Monday, President Bush said he doesn't believe he is guilty of lying to the American public about the threat Saddam Hussein posed to the United States and so people should just get over it already.
"I have seen into my soul and I like what I see," the president said as he came out of the oval office. "It is obvious after my initial interrogation of myself that I wouldn't do that kind of thing."
The president was grilled by Bush for hours in an attempt to find out what he knew and when he knew it. He had hoped that by calling the investigation he could silence his critics on the pre-war intelligence used to justify the invasion of Iraq. But still, questions remained among Democrats who had been pushing for an inquiry.
"So the president goes into the Oval Office and plays with his imaginary friend for a couple of hours and suddenly he's innocent of everything," Sen. Joe Biden (D-Delaware) asked. "I don't mean to be cynical here but what the hell?"
"Listen, this wasn't some panzy-assed, Tim Russert, softball interview. I really held my feet to the fire in there," Bush said. "I'm just telling you what the report says. Don't shoot the messenger."
"I'm sorry Mr. President, but you investigating yourself would be like appointing a commission to investigate the pre-war intelligence but limiting the scope to exclude your use of it."
"Oh yeah, I'm doing that, too."
Caption: Even Democrats hate to see McCain used by the administration to give them cover.
The president went on to explain that now that he had been exonerated by himself the WMD panel wouldn't have to bother scrutinizing everything he may or may not have said about Iraq's weapons capabilities.
"That's all water under the bridge, now, anyway. Huh, guys? The important thing is that we're in Iraq now. Why don't we all just make the best of it."
President Bush appointed what he described as a bipartisan, independent and completely transparent panel to investigate the false pre-war claims about Iraq's weapons. As proof of the commission's objectivity, the president tapped Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) to join the panel.
McCain, who was in New Hampshire campaigning for the president's reelection, said he would be delighted to lend an air of false credibility to the investigation.
"While I am known for being somewhat of a maverick, often times critical of the Bush administration, in this situation I feel it is important to tow the party line and make sure nothing comes out of the investigation that could damage the GOP."
The panel is to be co-chaired by Laurence "October Surprise" Silberman, a former member of Ronald Reagan's senior campaign staff who has a rich history helping Republican presidents steal elections.
He is alleged to have orchestrated a delay of the release of American embassy hostages in Iran until after the November 1980 election to ensure Reagan's victory.
Caption: President Bush, flanked by Chuck Robb, left, and Laurence Silberman, right, announces the formation of the WMD panel and explains that it will be unnecessary for it to go sticking its nose in the president's business.
Silberman has denied any involvement in the arms for hostages scandal exposed during the Iran-Contra hearings yet cast the deciding vote in a three-judge panel that resulted in dismissing the criminal convictions of Admiral John Poindexter and Lt Col Oliver North for lying to Congress in connection with the scandal.
In 2002, Silberman served on another secret three-judge panel called the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which approved expanded wiretap access sought by the federal government under the Patriot Act.
Bush admitted that Silberman was a right-wing operative whose appointment was meant to stymie the current WMD investigation.
"This is what's called a whitewash. You see, I'm the president so I get to decide if I'm going to be investigated or not."
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