Satire: GOP Previews Season Of Kerry Smears

Divided Nation -- Complacent after four years of raping the treasury, leading the country into an illegitimate war and torching the environment, G.O.P. mouthpieces have prepared a laundry list of slanders against Democratic nominee Sen. John Kerry that they will unveil as soon as they are back in career-destroying top shape.

“How are we going to define Sen. John Kerry?” bellowed Ed Gillespie, RNC chairman, through a bullhorn. He stood on the bed of a pick-up truck and addressed a gathering of venomous right-wing scum.

“Massachusetts's liberal,” shouted a group that included Internet gossip sleaze Matt Drudge, Oxycontin Orator Rush Limbaugh and Sean “Insanity” Hannity.

“Let's move out,” Gillespie said. The truck pulled onto the highway and the army of radical Rethug talk-show pundits and columnists followed shadow boxing the air.

“Forget everything your momma taught you about decency, squash the last bit of your pathetic souls that still exist,” Gillespie brayed. “We're making up rumors so malicious and vindictive that you'll have to hold your gorge to keep from vomiting and then we're distributing them into the public.”

Matt Drudge ran ahead of the others pushing down the squashed fedora that covered his acne-scarred face.

He had done some pre-season training, distributing a story that promised to turn the race for the presidency “on its head” and unveil secrets about Kerry that were so loathsome that even the staunchest liberal would run into the waiting arms of Dick Cheney.

Not to be outdone, the bloated form of Rush Limbaugh staggered close behind, hopped up on an eight-ball of coke. It had taken him exactly five-minutes to distribute the Drudge story to the millions of sad individuals that listened to him stick it “to the man.”

The group followed after the truck as Gillespie flung red meat at them.

“Who is Kerry?” He chanted.

“Liberal, liberal, liberal,” the group yelled back.

“What do the people need?”

“Tax-relief, tax-relief, tax-relief.”

“How will we paint him?”

“Out of touch with mainstream American values.”

After the exercise season, Gillespie attended the “Kerry Smear” session in New York City, where GOP hotties strutted down a runway as Ed read from a bound copy of the Republican playbook.

“Here we have Anne Coulter, wearing a red dress from the Nancy Reagan collection, she's modeling this year's theme that liberals are unpatriotic traitorous baby-eaters.”

Anne Coulter walked down the runway and flashed a smile so chilling that it would have sent the Pope into hiding.

Other GOP operatives walked the runaway unveiling such themes as “the president's tax plan is working”, “jobs going overseas is a good thing” and “Kerry loves homosexuals.”

At the end of the “smear” show, Gillespie addressed the crowd.

“It's only February and they have made clear they intend to run the dirtiest campaign in modern presidential politics. We know that they will make slanderous charges, funnel money to shadow organizations, engage in voter suppression tactics, and spread lies on the Internet…”

A befuddled Gillespie paused and looked back down at the statement he was reading from

“Oh, I'm sorry, that's from our list of what we intend to do.”

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